amateur

I am beginning to accept that I might be a good songwriter.  Saying that feels strange to me, because I have always felt like I have 1.) no formal training, 2.) no qualifying experience, and 3.) no legitimate affirmation.  But when I think about it, those beliefs about myself are stemming from feelings of inadequacy, not from truth.  They come from things I’ve collected from past experiences—everything from performance pressure to feeling like I was too different, too young, and too outspoken.  And at the root of all these things is a fear of rejection.

But as I look back, I realize how perfectly I have been prepared and trained.  I have been writing creatively and playing music since I could write letters and sit at a piano.  I ended up majoring in English and minoring in piano in college not just because I was decently skilled in those areas, but because I loved it.  I’ve been playing in bands since I was in elementary school.  I’ve even participated in various songwriting and creative writing classes and conferences.  One of my first songs I remember writing was at a summer camp before I was even in high school, and it was good enough they made a group of us perform it for the entire camp.  When I think about it, how could a lack of training and experience even enter my list of excuses for why I’m probably not good at this?

Which brings me to the affirmation problem.  Why do I feel inadequate?  Why do I fear rejection?

Ultimately it’s because I care about what other people think.  And this is difficult for any kind of artist, because being successful usually requires people liking what you create, especially if you are trying to make a living do it.  The only problem for me is that I’ve been too scared of rejection to share my artistry, or I haven’t had a legitimate place to get honest and qualified feedback.  So I’ve been sensitive about sharing songs with people.  And on top of that, I’m my own worst critic, so often a few months will go by and I’ll decide I no longer like something I’ve written, for whatever reason.

The one time I had a song critiqued by professionals a few years ago was really difficult.  I tried something different than what I normally do, challenging myself to write something deeply meaningful and out of my comfort zone, and what I remember the most about my feedback was being asked if I had ever written a song before.  That went straight into my heart like a dagger.  I wouldn’t say I’m a prolific songwriter by any means, but I’d probably written at least 40 finished songs in my lifetime at that point, not to mention poems, music compositions, and uncompleted ideas.  It felt like this personal thing I had worked so hard to create was being labeled as silly, amateur, and unworthy, and that my skills and abilities were being severely questioned.  Maybe I should just write and keep things to and for myself.  And it broke me.

The neat thing was that this experience of feeling rejected was very revealing.  Why did this affect me so much?  Why did I care what these people thought?  What validation was I looking for exactly?

Because isn’t the point of doing anything artistic is that it connects with someone…ANYONE…else?  Who cares about those who may not enjoy or value it!  Really, does the volume of people who like it or how important or professional they are determine whether or not I should be doing it or how I should feel about myself?  Even if I’m the only one that finds value in it, shouldn’t that be enough?

Here’s where the healing takes place and why I can content myself with the label of amateur, even when I do experience rejection.  The word “amateur” literally means “for the love of”.  And isn’t that the best reason to do anything?  What I’m trying to grasp in my heart is that amateur and worthiness have nothing to do with each other.

On top of that, I’m actually NOT the only one who finds value in what I create, because I was created by a perfect Creator who adores the imperfections that I create.  Try wrapping your head around that.  I’ve got a Divine #1 Fan who is obsessed with me.  Pretty sure that’s worth way more than what most people on the radio claim.  God is my ultimate affirmation, and I can rest in the knowledge that He ADORES me and my music.  And because of that, I don’t have to hide from what other people might think.  I don’t have to fear rejection.  I am perfectly loved already.

So, here we go, earthly fans.  I don’t care if you like my music or not.  HA!  Because if it’s not your style, find something else.  If it’s not a message you identify with, move on.  If you like it, that will make me happy because, at least until one of us changes our minds, it means we have something in common.  We can enjoy and experience something together, find meaning, and worship a great God in the process.

I have been sharing my music at church and opening up my songwriting to critique as I find people that are willing to give me feedback.  In this process, I’m finding that my creative processes are much clearer, I’m able to help and encourage others to write, and I’m writing so many more songs than ever before--and still liking most of them!  Of course, I’m sure all of this will slow a bit as mommyhood starts demanding more from me (my second child due any day now), but I’m enjoying riding this wave of creativity.  So the next step for now is to start sharing a bit more publicly.  If you are interested in giving me some specific feedback, I would welcome helpful thoughts and opinions. 

So here goes!  Time to reveal my amateur, erratic artistry to be enjoyed or rejected--either way is okay.  Because this is who I am.  I am a songwriter.  And I am AWESOME.  Here is the debut of one of my most recent and intentionally simple compositions, King of Glory (original).

sojourner

I have often felt like a wanderer, knowing I'm destined for something amazing and beautiful but not necessarily knowing where I am going.  Usually, I find my sojourns in the deserts and valleys to be brief, seeing as I prefer to reside near the streams and on the mountaintops most often.  However, I feel that most of my time in 2014 was spent gazing at mirages, realizing how very thirsty I am.

Not to say that I've been void of joy by any means.  What a delight it is to watch my daughter bloom magically before my eyes and have a truly loving husband by my side.  How I love to catch moments (however brief and few) to sit at the piano or listen to new music, snuggle with my toddler, or simply give myself the freedom to imagine art projects or daydream.

But despite all of these joys, I know I am missing part of who I am.  I know part of what I was created to be was a leader, and specifically, to enter into the presence of God and invite others to join in.  Don't get me wrong, I don't need a platform or a title.  But being involved in community worship is so very important for me.  In His presence is where I find my peace, my worth, my inspiration.  I don't need an audience for that to happen, but I can't even explain what a difference it makes to be joined by even just one fellow worshipper, who comes alongside musically in the pursuit of the Holy Spirit.  It's the difference between flying solo and having your best buddies come along.  I'd much rather make it a party.

So, in the absence of a church community, I am, at the moment, a desert dweller.  I will have to be content to wander until I stumble upon the next oasis.  I know there are lessons and purpose in the wandering, and I intend to make the most of them.  For me, there is no sitting and waiting around for something to happen. There is something out there, and it's only a matter of time.  I need to be ready and willing for whatever that is.  Does it mean finding a home church?  Maybe, maybe not.  That doesn't really matter.  All I know is that Jesus knows my desires and needs and has a perfect plan and fulfillment in mind.  I will go wherever He leads me, even if that means, for the time being, more desert around the next corner.

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(This is my theme song lately and I felt that it was important for me to share.  The song is my cover of All Sons & Daughters, "Called Me Higher", and I hope it encourages you: http://youtu.be/NBD1GJCJCvE)