amateur

I am beginning to accept that I might be a good songwriter.  Saying that feels strange to me, because I have always felt like I have 1.) no formal training, 2.) no qualifying experience, and 3.) no legitimate affirmation.  But when I think about it, those beliefs about myself are stemming from feelings of inadequacy, not from truth.  They come from things I’ve collected from past experiences—everything from performance pressure to feeling like I was too different, too young, and too outspoken.  And at the root of all these things is a fear of rejection.

But as I look back, I realize how perfectly I have been prepared and trained.  I have been writing creatively and playing music since I could write letters and sit at a piano.  I ended up majoring in English and minoring in piano in college not just because I was decently skilled in those areas, but because I loved it.  I’ve been playing in bands since I was in elementary school.  I’ve even participated in various songwriting and creative writing classes and conferences.  One of my first songs I remember writing was at a summer camp before I was even in high school, and it was good enough they made a group of us perform it for the entire camp.  When I think about it, how could a lack of training and experience even enter my list of excuses for why I’m probably not good at this?

Which brings me to the affirmation problem.  Why do I feel inadequate?  Why do I fear rejection?

Ultimately it’s because I care about what other people think.  And this is difficult for any kind of artist, because being successful usually requires people liking what you create, especially if you are trying to make a living do it.  The only problem for me is that I’ve been too scared of rejection to share my artistry, or I haven’t had a legitimate place to get honest and qualified feedback.  So I’ve been sensitive about sharing songs with people.  And on top of that, I’m my own worst critic, so often a few months will go by and I’ll decide I no longer like something I’ve written, for whatever reason.

The one time I had a song critiqued by professionals a few years ago was really difficult.  I tried something different than what I normally do, challenging myself to write something deeply meaningful and out of my comfort zone, and what I remember the most about my feedback was being asked if I had ever written a song before.  That went straight into my heart like a dagger.  I wouldn’t say I’m a prolific songwriter by any means, but I’d probably written at least 40 finished songs in my lifetime at that point, not to mention poems, music compositions, and uncompleted ideas.  It felt like this personal thing I had worked so hard to create was being labeled as silly, amateur, and unworthy, and that my skills and abilities were being severely questioned.  Maybe I should just write and keep things to and for myself.  And it broke me.

The neat thing was that this experience of feeling rejected was very revealing.  Why did this affect me so much?  Why did I care what these people thought?  What validation was I looking for exactly?

Because isn’t the point of doing anything artistic is that it connects with someone…ANYONE…else?  Who cares about those who may not enjoy or value it!  Really, does the volume of people who like it or how important or professional they are determine whether or not I should be doing it or how I should feel about myself?  Even if I’m the only one that finds value in it, shouldn’t that be enough?

Here’s where the healing takes place and why I can content myself with the label of amateur, even when I do experience rejection.  The word “amateur” literally means “for the love of”.  And isn’t that the best reason to do anything?  What I’m trying to grasp in my heart is that amateur and worthiness have nothing to do with each other.

On top of that, I’m actually NOT the only one who finds value in what I create, because I was created by a perfect Creator who adores the imperfections that I create.  Try wrapping your head around that.  I’ve got a Divine #1 Fan who is obsessed with me.  Pretty sure that’s worth way more than what most people on the radio claim.  God is my ultimate affirmation, and I can rest in the knowledge that He ADORES me and my music.  And because of that, I don’t have to hide from what other people might think.  I don’t have to fear rejection.  I am perfectly loved already.

So, here we go, earthly fans.  I don’t care if you like my music or not.  HA!  Because if it’s not your style, find something else.  If it’s not a message you identify with, move on.  If you like it, that will make me happy because, at least until one of us changes our minds, it means we have something in common.  We can enjoy and experience something together, find meaning, and worship a great God in the process.

I have been sharing my music at church and opening up my songwriting to critique as I find people that are willing to give me feedback.  In this process, I’m finding that my creative processes are much clearer, I’m able to help and encourage others to write, and I’m writing so many more songs than ever before--and still liking most of them!  Of course, I’m sure all of this will slow a bit as mommyhood starts demanding more from me (my second child due any day now), but I’m enjoying riding this wave of creativity.  So the next step for now is to start sharing a bit more publicly.  If you are interested in giving me some specific feedback, I would welcome helpful thoughts and opinions. 

So here goes!  Time to reveal my amateur, erratic artistry to be enjoyed or rejected--either way is okay.  Because this is who I am.  I am a songwriter.  And I am AWESOME.  Here is the debut of one of my most recent and intentionally simple compositions, King of Glory (original).

sojourner

I have often felt like a wanderer, knowing I'm destined for something amazing and beautiful but not necessarily knowing where I am going.  Usually, I find my sojourns in the deserts and valleys to be brief, seeing as I prefer to reside near the streams and on the mountaintops most often.  However, I feel that most of my time in 2014 was spent gazing at mirages, realizing how very thirsty I am.

Not to say that I've been void of joy by any means.  What a delight it is to watch my daughter bloom magically before my eyes and have a truly loving husband by my side.  How I love to catch moments (however brief and few) to sit at the piano or listen to new music, snuggle with my toddler, or simply give myself the freedom to imagine art projects or daydream.

But despite all of these joys, I know I am missing part of who I am.  I know part of what I was created to be was a leader, and specifically, to enter into the presence of God and invite others to join in.  Don't get me wrong, I don't need a platform or a title.  But being involved in community worship is so very important for me.  In His presence is where I find my peace, my worth, my inspiration.  I don't need an audience for that to happen, but I can't even explain what a difference it makes to be joined by even just one fellow worshipper, who comes alongside musically in the pursuit of the Holy Spirit.  It's the difference between flying solo and having your best buddies come along.  I'd much rather make it a party.

So, in the absence of a church community, I am, at the moment, a desert dweller.  I will have to be content to wander until I stumble upon the next oasis.  I know there are lessons and purpose in the wandering, and I intend to make the most of them.  For me, there is no sitting and waiting around for something to happen. There is something out there, and it's only a matter of time.  I need to be ready and willing for whatever that is.  Does it mean finding a home church?  Maybe, maybe not.  That doesn't really matter.  All I know is that Jesus knows my desires and needs and has a perfect plan and fulfillment in mind.  I will go wherever He leads me, even if that means, for the time being, more desert around the next corner.

* * *

(This is my theme song lately and I felt that it was important for me to share.  The song is my cover of All Sons & Daughters, "Called Me Higher", and I hope it encourages you: http://youtu.be/NBD1GJCJCvE)

for God so loved the world

I don’t often write about so-called “hot topics”, but this one has come up more than a few times recently and has been on my mind a lot.  You may disagree with me, and that’s okay.  I will still love you.  I will still listen to you and respect your opinions.  We can still be friends and enjoy coffee together.

I am saddened by how Christians have treated homosexuals.  We alienate and judge them, shaking our heads in disgust and shunning them with our superiority.  We welcome all kinds of sinners into our lives and into the church: active and practicing liars, adulterers, addicts, fornicators, gossips…but not gays.  We have earned titles of “homophobic” and “hatemongers” because often the message that is preached is that God hates homosexuals.

This is so very wrong and it breaks my heart.  God so loved the world that He sent Jesus to die for us, even while we were still sinners.  We are to love our neighbors, our brothers and sisters, and even our enemies.  (See John 3:16-17, Matthew 5:43-48, Romans 5:8, Matthew 7:1-5, Mark 2:13-17, Galatians 5:14, etc.)

But then there is the other side of the coin: Christians that take a neutral stance in the name of love, saying, “It’s none of our business anyway”, or claim nothing wrong with homosexuality, perhaps joining in the message, “They were born this way.”   We now have gay pastors and homosexual Christians, living lives and preaching messages contrary to the Word of God.

Scripture is clear that we have ALL been born this way: as slaves to sin, and it is only by His grace that we have been saved (Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 3:23-24).  The Bible is also very clear that homosexuality is one of many sins:

“Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites,  nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.  And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.”  1 Corinthians 6:9-11, NKJV.  (See also: Leviticus 20:13, Mark 10:6-9, Romans 1:20-32, 1 Timothy 1:9-11, Hebrews 13:4, Galatians 5:16-20, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, and Jude 1:7, to name a few.)

Just because the Bible is clear on homosexuality (as well as many other moral issues) doesn’t mean that it is a gospel of hate.  And in the same way, just because I believe that homosexuality is unnatural and sinful doesn’t mean I am allowed to treat a gay person any differently from anyone else or judge them for their behaviors and actions.  We are called to both unconditionally love others AND stand for the truth of God’s Word.  And in this I am saddened to find the church lacking.  How in the world would I ever be able to invite a gay friend or a gay couple into a Bible-believing church or even to an outreach ministry event?  Can you imagine what could happen?

However, I also don't think that because the church has treated homosexuals so poorly, we should instead compromise on what scripture says and welcome homosexuality with open arms to make up for it.  For me there is a very huge difference in welcoming homosexuals and in welcoming homosexuality.  ("Love the sinner; hate the sin," some would say.)  Instead, why don't we apologize to the gay community for our poor example of the gospel and instead show them compassion and friendship as Jesus did?  That doesn't mean we have to agree, but it does mean we love.  I don't have to approve of every decision you've made in life or agree with your every belief in order to care for you.


 As far as gay marriage is concerned, I think it is clear that this is also not a part of God’s design (1 Corinthians 7:2, Matthew 19:4-6, Gen 2:24).  However, I do think that the church has handled this too very poorly.  If we believe what the Bible says, the church should stand for marriage as God intended it to be between one man and one woman.  Does that mean that it is also our duty to define it in our legal system for everyone, even those who don’t share our beliefs and morals?

Honestly, I really don’t have an answer for this question.  We should obviously stand for the truth in God’s Word without shame, but I’m not so sure trying to force our beliefs onto others is the right answer either.  For me, it is the difficulty that comes with legislating morality.  I find it to be not as simple as some people see it.
 

The whole point of me writing this is that it isn’t just a theoretical discussion.  Homosexuals, bisexuals, transsexuals, and all humans are REAL people; people who have intelligence, skills, dreams, passions, and who have needs and are hurting just like anyone else.  And there are Bible-believing Christians who have friends and family struggling with this issue and are unsupported in how to genuinely love and minister to their loved ones.  I feel that this is a huge problem that the church is unable to address right now.  It seems we are so busy being political that we’re neglecting the people.  REAL, ACTUAL people.


For me, I can only follow what I know and believe: that Jesus loves us.  That He died for us while we were yet still sinners.  That when we trust and believe in Him as our Savior, He grants us unending forgiveness and unfailing love.  And that because of His grace we are forever changed by His love.

I want to see all people treated the way Jesus would have treated them, with love, respect, and compassion.  I want to see hurting people discover a life of freedom and wholeness through the truth of the gospel.  I want to see a church that truly loves the Lord and desires to share His heart for lost people.  I want to know His love and learn to love His way.  Shouldn’t this be our primary goal?

Matthew 22:36-40:

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

hunger

If you have been reading my blog at all, you know that we have been through a lot this year.  But it’s really only been recently that I have started feeling it.  I tend to process things logically until at some unexpected moment, I begin to feel what happened.  But instead of feeling like depression, the impact of this dark time for me feels more like hunger.  I may even feel inspired by it.

Don’t get me wrong: I am completely thankful for it all.  I believe with all of my heart that every single moment of my existence is purposed by God Himself and that His ways are flawless.  I look around and am beyond grateful for the blessings in my life.  But somehow I find myself missing what I had.  I feel loss.

Even as I write those sentences, I am reminded that none of it is or has ever been mine.  Even my body and my children belong to the Lord.  He just lets me (attempt to) take care of them for a little while.  At the same time, I also believe that God desires to bring restoration, abundant life, and increased blessing.

I suppose the right word for what I’m hungry for is “renewal”.  Perhaps even “revival”.  I’m ready, and I’ll be praying for it.  So, let this be your warning… I know Someone is listening.

bees

Around the time our church was closing a few months ago, one of our elders who is also a friend of mine called me up to tell me about a dream.   In her dream, she watched as I was chased and attacked by bees.  She rushed to bring Alexa safely inside and told Ryan to call 911 as I went into anaphylactic shock, struggling to breathe.

You may or may not place much value in dreams, but this one seemed pretty important.  It was significant enough for her to call me and tell me about it.  The most significant part to me was that Alexa was safe.  Whatever the attack was that might be coming, our daughter was safe, I knew Ryan was by my side, and Jesus was there to fight for me.

A month ago, everything started.

The first thing to happen was I needed a biopsy.  The results indicated “precancerous” cells, which is the medical way of saying it was nothing but may or may not stay that way.  This didn’t bother me too much.  I didn't care to give it a lot of attention.  Okay, fine, cut it out, let’s move on.

At the same time, I had a brief fever and my eyes were oddly puffy for about a week.  Then I developed a very minor sore throat.  Allergies?  Cold virus?  I didn’t think too much about it.  Then it flared up into an excruciatingly painful, ER-worthy problem.  I ended up with a tonsillar abscess measuring almost a square inch.  They were concerned that if the swelling continued, I wouldn’t be able to breathe.  I stayed overnight at the hospital, was given steroids and antibiotics, and the ENT incised and drained it the next day.  After a follow up visit and a second incision, I was good to go.  The theory was that the mono virus was to blame.  Painful, inconvenient, and dramatic, but that was over.

During this whole time, we knew I was pregnant.  After having a miscarriage around Easter earlier this year, we were intentionally waiting to share the news until we heard or saw a heartbeat.  And with all of this other stuff happening, we had put it on the back burner.  Finally, I decided it would be nice to schedule an OB appointment before my “pre-cancer” surgery.  I was ready to move on and get excited about our second baby.  But we were in for another disappointment.  The ultrasound showed an underdeveloped fetus and no heartbeat.  A follow up today confirmed I was miscarrying.

Unlike the earlier miscarriage where there was no fetal development, our baby was about six and a half weeks along this time.  We have been grieving our loss over the last few days, but at the same time, we know our child is in the arms of pure Holiness and Goodness.  God has been reminding me that He takes really good care of all of His kids and I have nothing to fear.  His plans are to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me hope and a future.  Oh how He loves us!  Our child is in His arms…what a blessing!

Yes, the bees came and they meant business.  But my God is greater.  Though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him.  I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  He is Faithful and Good, and I am so grateful for His unending love for me.  As we walk along this crazy and sometimes painful journey He has us on, our experiences, both those of joy and pain, add value to this life He has given us and glory to His name.  He is the source of Abundant Life and He will bring us through.  All honor, all glory, and all praise be unto the name of Jesus!

Thank you all for your prayers and support.  Your words of encouragement have meant so much to me.  We love you all so very much.

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’ Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth—everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

life, loss, and resurrection

Life

Motherhood is the hardest, best job in the world.  What a joy it is to see my daughter learn, grow, and blissfully enjoy her world.  What a responsibility it is for me to somehow nurture, encourage, and protect this curious creature as she continues to make new discoveries each day.  It is my chief priority and delight every day, and it is utterly exhausting.  Yet I am madly in love.

I don’t want to do anything differently.  I don’t want the house to be any cleaner … I don’t want to have any more money … I don’t want to have more time for myself … if it meant missing out on watching her giggle, explore, and learn.   For me, it’s not worth the sacrifice, because she is my daily joy.  She is life.

Loss

Even as I write this, I am also going through the difficulty of miscarriage.  This is a hard thing for anyone to go through, and yet it is far more common than most people realize.  About 1 in 5 pregnancies result in miscarriage and, more than likely, you know a lot more people who have experienced this than you even realize.  It’s not something that usually comes up in everyday conversation or that people feel very comfortable talking about.  It is a loss that is at the very least disappointing and sad; at the most it can be heartbreaking.  In every case, it is life-changing.

A few weeks ago we closed our church, which has been home to us for over six years.  Our time at the Vineyard had a tremendous impact on how I view worship, living under grace, and freedom in Jesus.  Even though it was the right thing and the right time, it is still a loss to have to shut the doors and say goodbye.

Resurrection

I think there is significance in all of this is happening around Easter.  I don’t pretend to understand these themes of life, loss, and the promise of resurrection, but I at least know they are there.

I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father loves me and is in control in every moment.  Because He is good and perfect, so are His plans.  I couldn’t be more grateful for where He is leading us and how we are getting there, even if I don’t even know where that is yet.  His plans are to prosper us, not to harm us, and to give us hope and a future.  Even though our family won’t be growing this year and we don’t have a church to call home, I am so excited for the great unknown that lies ahead.  And meanwhile I live for today: to worship the Lord in the beauty of His holiness; to experience His love in new ways and to be listening to and challenged by His Spirit at every moment; to enjoy my husband and my daughter and the friends and family we have around us; and to treasure every little blessing that is in every day.

 

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

WHY I QUIT LEADING WORSHIP - or - GOD LOVES CRAPPY MUSIC

I began to play worship music in church when I was twelve years old, and have continued to do so ever since.  I’ve always loved music.  I’ve always loved Jesus.  To me, praising Him with music is an amazing gift and is a sincere expression of my heart.  But something happened a few years ago that changed it all.

Worship music has always been about my love for God and my passion to praise Him in a creative way.  It was never about getting attention.  Being thanked for sharing my talents and receiving compliments always felt awkward, and I was never comfortable with doing a solo or “performing”.  But despite that, whether or not I sounded good (mostly based on my own opinion), still mattered a great deal.  I compared myself to others and analyzed my talents, needing my own silent pat on the back to reassure myself I was a worthy musician.  It was still about performance.

I have always believed in grace and known that God’s love is unconditional, but somehow along the way, I decided that at least some of my worth still depended on how good I was.  I can see now that I was deceived into thinking God’s approval was somehow not enough.  My opinion of myself and what other people thought about me still mattered deep down.  The result was that, whenever I played, my attention would be divided between worshipping God and the quality of my performance.  It also kept me from being free to share songs that the Holy Spirit had inspired me to write.  I was worried that none of it was good enough.

What draws us in and causes us to appreciate music is usually its artistic quality.  I don’t believe that’s fundamentally a bad thing.  God created and saw that it was good, and we praise Him for His artistry and goodness.  He created this world for His and our enjoyment.  And when He created us, He endowed us with His creativity as well, in His own image.  A part of our calling is to be Creators, to delight in creating good things, and by doing so, give honor to the One who created it all.

So after all God has done for us, don’t we long to give our very best offering to worship and honor Him?  In all that we do, doesn’t He deserve our best?

But here’s the thing: I don’t believe that doing our best for God is what He asks of us.

This doesn’t mean that quality is unimportant, but it does mean that when we are worried about what our acts of worship look or sound like, we are ultimately focused on pleasing ourselves or others, not God.  We end up with a distorted view: that we have to somehow deem our gift worthy before we can offer it.  But that’s not how His grace works.

The reality is that our God deserves so much more than the best we could ever offer.  And yet, as His beloved adopted sons and daughters, He already sees us and our offerings as worthy simply because of the cross.  Because of Jesus.  He loves us just as we are, completely and unconditionally, no matter if we fall into temptation or just sing out of key.  He doesn’t need us to perform well or do good works to demonstrate our love.  All that matters to Him is if our heart is in the right place.  We love Him by surrendering our lives--by giving up, not trying harder to do better.  Then His Spirit can work from within us, bringing freedom, healing, producing good fruit…the whole nine yards.  Look it up.

So what happened when I realized this?

I quit.

Perhaps not the most ideal or expected result, but this was my reality: I didn’t know what to do differently.  If I jumped back into it, I would either continue to do church music the only way I knew how, or worse, I would try to fix it somehow.  Either way, I’d be struggling.  And I know God wanted me to be free.

I never doubted my calling to be a worship leader, but I had no idea what leading worship without thinking about performance would look like.  It was a scary thought.  I didn’t like the idea of letting things out of my control.  I really didn’t like the idea of maybe playing crappy music or somehow screwing it up.  It took a couple years of processing and recovery before I knew God was calling me back to leading worship.  “If You want me to do this,” I remember telling Him, “YOU’VE got to do it, because I don’t know how.”

And no, He didn’t give me a list of things that would help or point me to a scripture that outlined all the details of leading worship “the right way”.  I never received a vision or went to a worship conference outlining what I was supposed to do differently.  I just had to say yes when the time was right and step into the unknown.

When I released control and opened my heart and my mind to what the Lord was going to do, guess what happened?  Haha, the Holy Spirit stepped in.

*  *  *

Believe it or not, I’m not the most talented human being on the planet and I screw up all the time, but it doesn’t matter because I’m immersed in His presence.  He kindly teaches me and refines me as I mosey along.  And I am so thankful to have a team of people who enjoy exploring together.  We are on a great worship adventure, and musically, it’s just a small reflection of the bigger picture.

The coolest things can happen when God is in control.  When I yield to Him, He frees me.  He uses my talents and skills in ways that I’m not courageous enough to do on my own.  The things He enables me to do I never thought would be possible.  All insecurities, worries, and self-doubts evaporate when He sings through me.  And let me tell you, His voice is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.

The worries I had about making crappy music?  Turns out God loves crappy music.  The truth is, any sincere act of worship is the most beautiful thing in the world to Him.  We can judge it in the natural world using human standards all we want, but sorry guys, HE LOVES IT ALL.  It just doesn’t matter what you think.  And if God loves crappy music, well then, I guess none of it is crappy.

I love encouraging others to jump into the glorious presence of God.  To engage with His love and be forever transformed…there is nothing else like being with Him.  For me, music is my favorite pathway.  I can’t wait to see what He is going to do next.

life & freedom

Life. Wow, who knew a baby could be so time consuming?

I say that with a smile. Everyone knows this to be true. It's not like you don't see it coming, but I don't think any woman could grasp the reality until she walks down this road herself. That being said, I've been yearning to write for ages and am just now finding some time to do it. We will see how far I get before the little one wakes up from her nap!

It might sound weird for a woman to say this, but my respect for women has seriously skyrocketed. I'm pretty convinced now that moms are the most amazing creatures God ever made. Childbirth, motherhood, and those things I can only imagine at this point...juggling multiple kids, parenting teenagers, etc, etc...just wow. As a daughter, it makes me appreciate so much what my own mom has done for me for so many years. My heart is full of gratitude and love over her sacrifice and selflessness. And my appreciation isn't just for her, but it extends to ALL the moms I know. I have so much more respect and admiration for these powerful women.

I think there is a general belief that men are stronger than women because they can pick up heavier things. But not a chance. How can mothers not be the strongest beings to walk this planet? Don't get me wrong, men are wonderful, smart, and hard-working. But no matter how strong, intelligent, or persevering, all men were once their mother's helpless baby boy. Their mothers not only gave them life, but sustained their life and THEN gave everything they had (and then some) to raise them, purely out of love. What an amazing reflection of God's character!

My little girl is amazing. She is, of course, more advanced and beautiful than any other baby ever (goes without mentioning, I'm sure), and she is truly a delight. I confess, there are definitely times where I feel totally drained and would do anything just to have a day off...but then I would miss her. She is the toughest and best job I've ever had. A constant demand and a continuous joy. I am so in love with her, it's ridiculous. I'm sure I will be writing about her more later...whenever she gives me the chance and I can ignore the dirty dishes again.

* * *

Freedom. What an amazing word that is.

I am becoming more and more presently aware that gaining freedom requires honesty--with oneself, with God, with others. I have always been an upfront person: no nonsense, no drama, be real and get healthy. But there are ALWAYS things we run away from, whether that be fear, insecurity, lies, wounds...things that we harbor secretly in our hearts that we want to ignore. (By the way, I believe denial is one of the most powerful motivators for inaction and has some of the most painful consequences.)

God is just working on me during this time of my life, and I am loving it. He is bringing me into places I've never been before, challenging my heart & increasing my freedom. Worship is blowing my mind. Soaking in His truth has been so enlightening and refreshing. I am just so aware that Jesus wants to exchange ALL of His love and ALL of the fruits of His Spirit for ALL of our brokenness.

More later, baby beckons.

parenthood

I think transitions are some of the most amazing, though sometimes the most difficult, times in life. Sometimes we don't even know we are in transition until it's over and are looking back on what just happened. Other times we are fully aware that this period in time is loaded with meaning and promises to be life changing.

My hunch is that as you get older and more mature, you have more of those very aware times and less suprises. Maybe it's because we are more self-aware or more frequently reflective. Or maybe it's because we start recognizing the patterns of transition and change faster.

I think most people say that there are two things in life that top the charts when it comes to ultimate life experiences: marriage and the birth of your children.

When you get married, you look forward to a forever change...the end of singleness...the beginning of deep relationship...the start of a journey in togetherness. But really, it is a continuation of something that began awhile ago. In our world, it's not like you have zero relationship until you utter "I do." It has been a beautiful process, and the wedding is more or less a public declaration that the two have been becoming one over a period of time.

I wouldn't disagree that having children is a continuation of this process and that God's design was for it to be a natural progression out of marriage. And of course, there's the miracle of bringing a new life into the world that shouldn't be lost on anyone. What an amazing thing! But there's something more.

I've been realizing that this transition into parenthood is way more significant than those things. It's not just that one day we are a couple and the next we are a family; or, one day I don't have a kid and the next day I do. It's that all of a sudden, before I even understand what it means, I'm a mommy.

This started to hit me when I stopped working a couple weeks ago. I realized that I was really excited...and it wasn't because I didn't have to go to work anymore. It was because I was starting to feel an entirely new identity shift.

I think it's different even than becoming a wife or a husband. Before you say your vows, you are already responsible to your significant other and have already begun your life together. There isn't that much change before the wedding versus after, other than the realization that you've done something permanent and are hopefully feeling very happy about it.

But before the birth of your child, it is hardly tangible. In many ways, the addition of an actual baby barely seems possible. I don't think any of the preparations could really help me grasp the reality of what is about to happen. I wonder if there is anything more dramatic and powerful than seeing and holding your child for the first time? I seriously doubt it.

If you ask Ryan what he is most excited about, his answer is simple: becoming a daddy.

How can you add anything to that really? Is there anything more significant than a change in identity?

Well, the miracle of a new life altogether, perhaps. =)

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I don't know if it's the weather, a day without much work, or the love of my precious puppies, but something is making me very happy. Maybe I'm just happy to be feeling better? It's been a couple months since I've felt healthy.

Or maybe it's change. Life is definitely different with two dogs, in a very good way. It gets me outside one or two times a day and gets me to snuggle more. There's nothing quite like taking my Vizslas rollerblading as they sprint as fast as they can, tails wagging furiously, or when they beg to be in my lap. There's a lot of love in our house, for sure!

We have been enjoying the changes in our family and are excited as we anticipate even more change. Eating more organic foods and learning how to manage a healthier lifestyle is part of this too. Adding value to our house and continuing to dream up projects for the future has been a lot of fun and has kept us on our toes. I think I'm ready for more music and artistic expression in my life as I continue to learn how to handle my responsibilities better and keep up what we've begun.

It's a lot to digest. I think blogging more will help me process a lot of this change in a clearer way and sort through these shifts in priorities. Pray that I make blogging more of a regular occurance so I can keep up with myself! :-)

projects

It's been awhile, but blogging hasn't ceased to call to me. Feed me...

We have a lot going on lately. We've adopted some healthier eating and exercise patterns, including switching to a few organic items. Ryan's almost finished with building a fence for our backyard so we will be ready for our new dogs this weekend. And one of us has been sick pretty much since Thanksgiving, which makes all of this more challenging but not any less exciting.

I've mostly been in "project mode"...making sure the house stays relatively clean as I try to tackle some unfinished projects and get some new ones done as well...all the while, keeping up with my four clients at work and trying to get healthy again. It's a good thing I'm not teaching this semester. All of this is a lot to be juggling!

Because of this, some of my other artistic pleasures take a back seat. I have been working on a song recently, but I haven't been putting regular time into actually getting it finished. I haven't set aside time for painting as my other projects are taking up that time. It's not that they aren't artistic projects, but they are projects--which to me is completely different than sitting down and artistically exploring with paint. Projects are less expressive even if they are artistic. Almost like practicing a piece of sheet music vs. performing one. And the fact that I started them and haven't finished them looms over me.

The funny thing is, as I'm writing this, I'm thinking "why am I sitting at the computer typing about the stuff I should be doing when I could actually be doing it?"

Looks like this post is going to be a short one today. :-)

are there no songbirds?

My last songwriter's night was a bit disappointing. One person came for the event, and one person came to debate Christianity.

We ended up not doing a lot of songwriting. Sigh.

The whole reason I wanted to do this event was because I longed for a place to be encouraged in my art by likeminded believers. Then pretty much the opposite happened.

The good news was that the one guy who showed up for the songwriting group is someone I've known of but haven't been friends with until now. I am so thankful for this connection we've made over music. (I know his mom as well, who also happens to be my neighbor.) I think we are going to help each other out with songwriting a lot. We might even end up collaborating, which I am much more thrilled about than just writing my own songs.

I almost don't want to do another songwriting night and just keep focused on my own writing. And that may end up happening eventually, but for now, I know I'm not supposed to give up just because I was challenged in a way I wasn't expecting. If there's really no interest after a few times, it'll probably just be me and Jimmy hanging out, writing music. And I am totally cool with that. It's all too easy to get distracted and come up with lots of excuses not to do things...but I'm ready to write again.

there and back again

What I didn't realize about worship school with Rita Springer was that it would be a lot less about worship leading and more about my heart.

The first day we arrived, Rita called us each into a room and told each of us why we were there and what the Lord had told her about us. She told me that she thought I was coming out of a "season of delay" and that Jesus was bringing me into a new season, like springtime. She also read Psalm 36 and said that perhaps part of the season I had been in had included the first four verses of evil men speaking lies over me. Then she read verses 5-12, declaring that those were the promises and truths that the Lord wanted me to absorb.

That night, I went to bed and asked Jesus, "What are the lies that have been spoken over me? What are the lies I have believed?" Then, of course, the follow-up question: "What do YOU say?" I was encouraged to really pursue what the Lord thinks of me and believe in His truths.

One of the lies that I became aware of the next day was the one that says, I DO NOT HAVE A VOICE. It's something that my mind would have denied if you had asked me, but my heart believed and clung to because of reoccuring things spoken over me over many years...that what I have to say isn't good enough or valuable, and even some qualities of who I am and my personality should be suppressed. I always felt like I had a lot to offer, but nobody wanted it the way it was. I just wasn't good enough.

Part of the effect of this lie has been some significant doubts about my singing voice as well as the quality of my musical artistry, among other things. I've always known I had musical talent, but I have always felt extremely critical of my vocal quality and songs I have written. I could sing my songs to my Savior, but I never felt they were worthy to be heard anywhere else. I felt like I was never able to find a place where I could be nutured and inspired to be all of the artist that I longed to be.

This became a reoccuring thing for me throughout the week at DIVE. In fact, it ended up being turned into a song that is still unfinished, but is a work in progress and, in a way, symbolizes all of my songwriting and artistry. It captures how I have felt rejected and believed in these lies of not being good enough, and how it is the truth of how Jesus sees me that allows me to be completely free in who I am. When the song is done I will post it.

God dug deep into my heart all week, uprooting lies and implanting truth deep into my spirit. I was so sensitive to the words of truth spoken by Rita and the other students and mentors, resulting in countless tears each day. But it was so good, so exhausting, so inspiring.

Honestly I was a little worried when I first got there. I was one of few proficient instrumentalists, the only head worship leader who also directed a band, and was from the smallest church. I might have had some of the more pessimistic views of the church and anything labeled "Christian"--just because of my disgust of what the American church has become and by commercialized Christianity.

But to my surprise, despite our differences, all of the women were there for the same reason I was--to be nurtured in getting real with the Lord and to be inspired to be the musicians and artists He has created us to be.

We had some technical training in instrumentation and vocals during the week, but most of the emphasis was surprisingly on songwriting. The guest speaker was Cindy Wilt Colville from Nashville, who professionally assists Christian songwriters, and of course, there was Rita. There were practical how-tos about the business and craft of songwriting, but more importantly, a lot of inspiration and motivations for us to consider for our art.

It was incredibly refreshing. I was in the company of a dozen or so artists and lovers of Jesus. We were encouraged to be creative, to enjoy all of the artistry in life that makes us feel alive.

However, I realized that I would soon have to go back to the artistically starved, non-Bible belt environment that is my community. I ended up sharing this to the group, saying that one of the main reasons why I had gone to this school was because I had no one to mentor and nurture me back at home in all of these different aspects of my artistry...what was I supposed to do when I got home?

The answer I got back was first, mentor someone else, and second, to realize that what I am inspired by is important. I was a bit convicted that there were probably more people here who feel the same way as I do...who feel artistically starved with no outlet to express themselves and be heard. I also have been failing to recognize that I am one of those weird artsy people who need to consciously surround themsleves with things that inspire them. That part of who I am needs to be one of those weird people, twirling in the rain, traveling to museums, listening to all kinds of uplifting music, walking through an antique store or a thrift store, staring at sunsets, playing a guitar in the middle of a field, etc...if only just to dream.

God also put on my heart to start a songwriter focus group at the local coffeeshop, where artists can come and be inspired or get feedback from other artists on their music. That's starting soon.

AND, the cool thing was, I was inspired in how to be a better worship leader too. We are starting a spontaneous worship/prayer night called Merge on every other Thursday night and will be doing some things at our church that will encourage people to express their worship in different ways. I am going to be devoting more time to exploring what I can do musically with my voice and on instruments, as well as exploring songwriting more and getting all of my music better organized and written in the best key.

I'd like to paint more...dig into what Jesus says about me more...put more things in my house that inspire me...gather more music around me...communicate with my God and hear Him more clearly...set aside more money for artistic pursuits...learn more instruments...read more...

I just wish there was more time in each day, and more days to explore this beautiful life.

I do recognize that ALL of this really isn't about me and what I want or need, but that it is ultimately about Jesus and how He wants me to bring Him glory and how He wants me to serve others in this process. He's going to have to teach me how to do one precious thing at a time--and everything at its right time.

I think my mom probably summarized my experience at DIVE the best when she said, with tears in her eyes,

"You've been awakened."

ready for anything and everything

He is jealous for me
loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

I love the wind.  It's almost like I'm feeling the power of God in every gust, in every whirr as it whips over roofs and through trees.  No wonder we compare the presence of the Holy Spirit to this.  It is so invigorating, so moving.  Yes, Lord, I bow before You.

It's amazing to me that these same winds I'm enjoying on my porch are from a brutal and monstrous storm only a few hundred miles away in the Atlantic.

The wind just started picking up even more.  I'm watching sheets of rain suddenly thrown down from the troubled northeast skies.  It lasts just a few moments.  Now, back to the gusts and high-pitched whispers.

Looks like tonight the sky is heavy
Feels like the winds are gonna change
Beneath my feet, the earth is moving
I know it's time, for heaven's rain...it's gonna rain

And yes, I'm ready.  God has been my provider through this whole process.  He has reminded me again and again that He has a perfect plan and He knows what He is doing, even when a hurricane is offshore and headed towards where I am going.  This is His beautiful plan.  I am so ready.  My heart is overflowing even now...I wonder what happens when an overflowing heart gets flooded?  I'm ready to find out.

Cause it's living water we desire
Flood our hearts with holy fire

I have heard it from many people over the last few weeks...what God has for us--for me--is LIMITLESS.  The act of worship really is simply surrendering to Him and being open to receiving anything and everything He has in store.  "When we encounter the love of God...we'll never be the same."

Do not shut, do not shut, do not shut the heavens
But open up, open up, open up our hearts

Yes, I'm ready.

radical love

"And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need . . . . Now the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own, but they had everything in common. And with great power the apostles were giving their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all. There was not a needy person among them, for as many as were owners of lands or houses sold them and brought the proceeds of what was sold and laid it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to each as any had need." Acts 2:44-45, 4:32-35

God has been speaking to me so strongly about these passages over the past few weeks as I find myself a receiver, giver, and distributor of what I have been calling "the excess", or the resources around us that He has provided.

According to most financial standards, we are far from wealthy, like most of our friends.  So, when I knew God was calling me to worship school, I suddenly had a need for a lot of money in order to go.  Financially, we couldn't send me, my church couldn't sent me, but our community of believers could chip away at it until there was enough.  I became a receiver, and what a blessing it has been to see God provide through the loving support of this huge family in Christ!

Then, God called me to become a giver.  I began to be much more aware that even though cash is often limited, wealth isn't just the money in the bank.  Wealth includes the resources around us, including our stuff, but also, and probably more valuable, our time and skills.  We know in our minds that everything is the Lord's, but often in our hearts we don't feel that way or treat our possessions that way.  "No one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own".  All of these things we possess, including time and skills, are not our own...it is meant to be the Lord's. (And the truth is, it already IS His, we just aren't realizing it.)

So then I became a distributor, seemingly randomly, as God revealed various needs.  Sometimes I would hear a need and not even think about trying to help, then God would just speak to my heart at some point later and say, "Go. Give."

I happened to be flipping channels the other day and stumbled on Joyce Meyer.  Normally I'm not willing to sit and watch Christian television.  I'm typically not up for mentally and spiritually sorting through what is being broadcasted in order to find something of value, but this caught my attention.  She was talking about STUFF.

Basically, the message was that things, on their own, don't inherently carry value.  They neither embody positive nor negative value.  The value of things is defined by the value we ascribe to them--whether that's a particular monetary value, sentimental value, irreplacable value, etc.  It's like real estate: the value of a house is simply what someone is willing to pay for it.  If no one wants to buy it, what is it really worth?

When we use our things to further God's kingdom, we are ascribing eternal value to them because they now reflect Jesus.  I believe this applies to all types of gifts as well: our time, things purchased, even to money itself.  The value of any thing (even the US dollar) is going to fluctuate according to the standards of the world, but if I give it to someone else out of obedience to the Lord, the action itself is so much more valuable than the gift can ever be.  The gift is just a symbol of the action and the heart of Jesus.

So when I look around at the things that are "mine", or things I don't need, or worse, things I'm not even using, I realize this is not how God wants us to live.  Truly and genuinely sharing the love of Jesus is the opposite of the American dream.  We Americans cling to what we have accumulated because we worked hard for it or because we think we've deserved it.  And again, it's not that any of these things are bad and that we need to rid ourselves of all of them, but it's that God wants us to view them as resources ready to be used to accomplish His will on earth.  We are to be detached from these things so that God can use us, and even use our things, to demonstrate His love.

It's hard for me to explain how this is different from what I understood and lived out before, but I am watching God change the way I live.  He challenged me to act in faith for worship school, to trust Him with my financial needs, and now He's opening my eyes to a greater understanding of New Testament giving: being detached in order to truly hear His voice, obey exactly how He is calling me to obey, and to love His way.  That doesn't mean giving 10%, what "is reasonable", or what makes sense, but instead, doing what HE WANTS.  He is opening my eyes to see the wealth and the excess that is just waiting to be distributed to those who have needs and to those who are meant to receive physical representations of His love.

I think it's mainly about how we, the church, are to love.  I also think there are lessons on true humility and surrender in this process.  I'm seeing more and more how God's ways are so opposite the ways of the world we live in, and it is that radical love that will bring people to Jesus.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." - John 13:34-35

preparations

The money is in!  Praise Jesus!

Booking my flight this week...writing songs...practicing newer songs...preparing for my classes...

I'm so intensely excited about what God has for me...not just at the end of August, but right NOW.

promises

I am so blessed by the contributions I have received towards my trip.  God is strengthening my faith in what I know He has promised me.  I know He is sending me to DIVE school even though I wasn't sure how it would happen.

Last night, I still needed $940 to be able to afford to go.

I sent DIVE school an email updating them on how much money I still needed, but confirmed that God was going to make it happen and that I was ready to book my flight and pay the tuition on my credit card regardless.  This was a big step in faith for me...I have always been anxious about money, wary of debt, and have let myself doubt God's provision and promises when things seem financially impossible.

Then, the Lord sent me $500 total in the mail this morning.  What an absolute confirmation for my doubting heart!  I can almost see him smiling at me..."Do you need me to remind you I've got this one?"  YES!  Apparently, I do. :-)  Thank you, Jesus!

Last night I was working at our church clearing out a neglected storage closet and doing some much needed decluttering.  In the process, I discovered some additional valuable equipment...some of it was even brand new, unopened in its original box.

I think this is a good analogy for what I believe DIVE school is going to be for me.  I think God has given me an abundance of resources and gifts He wants me to use, but a lot of them have been buried in a closet, or maybe haven't ever been opened yet.  That is why I like Rita Springer's vision statement so much--it is God's revelations to our hearts that change our lives, and "if we live changed, our creative expression is limitless."

I also received what I believe to be a prophetic dream over my trip.  I dreamed it the same morning I found out I was invited to DIVE school.

In the dream, my hands were bound by strips of cloth that were unwrapped to reveal healing wounds.  I was aware that I had received some sort of procedure and that my hands were in the process of recovery.  I was asked "what do you see?", and as I looked down at my hands, I noticed one of the wounds was not healing correctly.  "This one needs to be redone," I said.

I remember seeing a surgical knife inserted into my unhealthy hand.  It wasn't even painful; it was just the process that needed to be done.  Afterwards, my hands were rebound and I held them up triumphantly, declaring victoriously, "In the name of Jesus!"

I believe there are things to be revealed and spiritual surgery waiting for me at DIVE school.  I know God has something amazing planned and that this is one step in my part in it.  I believe Jesus is going to move within His church in BIG ways and I want to be ready for the limitlessness of Him.  I want to be in the middle of it when God unleashes His glory upon earth!

rita

I can hardly believe I am going to Rita Springer's worship school.  It is hard to explain exactly how I felt when I first read about it online, but I basically heard God say "GO".  As weeks went by, I kept getting confirmations that I was supposed to apply...and so I did, acting in faith that if I was accepted, the money would come in.

I feel honored to be one of the chosen women invited to attend in September, even though I was briefly panicked when I initially found out.  (What about work, my classes, the money?)  Already it is causing me to trust that yes, God wants me to go, and that yes, I will be going.  Instead of worrying how it will all work out, God keeps reassurring me that I need to let Him take care of it and that I should simply be responsible and obey.  I can be excited that He has something incredible in store for me in this.

The other thing I feel inside me is a struggle with pride.  This is, of course, nothing new, but I find it aggravating that it is distracting me from my purpose.  My mind starts dreaming about what doors might open up for me because of this opportunity--which would almost be okay if these thoughts were not self-serving.  I am aware of how easy it is to imagine how I was personally chosen by RITA SPRINGER and that we are probably going to be best buddies now...that everyone is going to think I'm amazing and she's going to hook me up with a record label and our church will become famous.

But I really don't want any of that, nor do I believe any of it...nor does it matter!  My whole desire for going to this worship school is to dig deeper into worship and into Jesus.  I have a lot of questions about my journey into greater freedom and feel that Rita is one of few people able to offer me the exactly what I need.

I have always liked Rita Springer, and the more I know about her, the more I like her.  But I also don't want to idolize her even though my respect and admiration for her is so great.  I am very hopeful that I will encounter a gifted woman who can challenge me in my spiritual maturity, but I shouldn't be distracted from what Jesus is leading me to discover about myself and Him.  Rita is simply a woman who strives to listen and obey the Lord, and her vision is to encourage others to do the same.  I don't want to feel either inferior or elevated because of her guidance in this process.

And still the realities of life must also continue on--I still have a job, classes to prepare for, a house to tend to, family and friends to enjoy, artistic creativity to be unleashed, a husband and my own self to care for, and now a trip to prepare for!

I actually have half of the money I need already, and more is still coming in.  I can't say I'm surprised, but I am always amazed to see how God works and am so blessed to experience it.  Oooh, what next God?

abundant life

I am bursting with artistry.

After spending a weekend in Georgia several weeks ago, I discovered something new about myself.  I love to paint.

For as long as I can remember, I have always loved art and envied those who could produce it.  One of my favorite classes in college was the art appreciation course I was required to take.   I’ve always known that there is art in me but never knew the extent of my skills or what mediums I might be good at.  I’ve always messed around with a variety of artistic projects (t-shirts, photography, sewing, sketching, interior design, music, writing) but never finished anything that would be considered an actual piece of art.  I always assumed I would need to take a considerable number of classes in order to produce anything that could be officially labeled “art”.

But, as it turns out, without having had any art classes, I can paint.  And I really enjoy it!

So far, I’ve really only produced two paintings I’m proud of (one in pastel and another in acrylic), but I am aching for more.

I also have a growing list of projects for our house that requires some measure of painting skills in order to complete.  I am planning on painting some scripture on the wall of one of our rooms, at least one large piece of art, lampshades, and even some curtains.  (Yes, I want to paint curtains.  How awesome is that?)  I am a little obsessed over home décor, recovering chairs and cushions, and bringing more life into our home with thrift store finds and do-it-yourself projects.  Ryan’s even jumped on the creative bandwagon and wants to build picture frames for me and a custom-made couch.

The artistic explosion doesn’t end there.

I am now the worship leader at our church, and I couldn’t be more thrilled with the freedom of worship we are experiencing.  I’ve been involved with church music nearly my whole life, but it’s never been quite like this.  I am in awe of God’s perfect timing, His faithfulness, and His stunning glory.  We are so alive in Him!

The hardest part in all of this is being content with where I am.  There are only 24 hours in each day, only so much money in our bank account, and I only have a limited set of skills.  But it is so amazing to see that despite the limitations and weaknesses, God is so pleased by our expressions of worship and our joy of life in Him.  As flawed as imperfect as it is, this life is indeed abundant.

it's here: the piano

About six months ago, I had a conversation with a dear family friend about something that God had put on his heart. Over the phone, he told me that he wanted to find and invest in a baby grand piano with a small price tag. He wanted me to help him look since I could give a good opinion on the sound quality and judge the playability and feel. But that wasn't the only reason he wanted my help. He also didn't want to keep it for himself. He said he wanted ME to keep it.

What?!

He explained further that, being a music lover, he wanted to support the arts, and the best way he could think of was to buy a piano and let me, a pianist without a piano, take care of it. The only catch was that I would have to play for him when he came to visit and to be sure to play it often for others.

Really?!

So, needless to say, I have been looking off and on for the last few months, and came to the conclusion that a quality baby grand in his price range was impossible. I found a few nice upright pianos that were in that range, but the baby grand pianos were always in poor condition, structurally and internally. They just sounded terrible.

So every time I would make my search, I would report back to him my findings, convinced that the quality piano he was looking for would have to be an upright.

But God had something else to say about it. Oh, me of little faith.

***

I have been looking around Craigslist a lot lately for lots of little additions to our new home. This morning I was perusing furniture and household items as usual when I felt the urge to search for "piano". Even after all these months, I don't think I have actually looked on Craigslist for a piano.

One of the ads today caught my eye. There actually was an interesting posting for a Kawaii baby grand. Kawaii pianos are what I almost exclusively played in college, and it had a reasonable asking price, so I passed the info along.

My dear friend told me to go look at it and that "we might be able to make an offer and get it...I like it also". I called and made an appointment to see it. Turns out it was taking up too much space at a mobile home clubhouse, and they wanted it gone.

All of this was going by so fast, I wasn't even realizing what was happening.

Truthfully, I wasn't expecting much when I went to see it--even baby grands listed for many thousands of dollars tended to need a lot of work in order to even be a decent piano. They seemed more like large decorations rather than musical instruments.

I was surprised. It played quite nicely and the tone was beautiful. It had some aesthetic quirks but nothing that would hurt the sound quality or playability. Even Ryan, who claims to "be as musical as a rock" was impressed, noticing an obvious difference between the sound of this piano and others we had looked at in this price range.

I was even more surprised when I measured it. It was almost six feet long.

"Isn't that a little large for a baby grand?" Ryan and I both asked each other in the car.

When we got back home, I surveyed our music room with the tape measure.

"It would work, actually," I said, surprised again.

My buyer told me to go ahead and make a low offer. I could hardly believe all of this was happening so fast. Over the next several minutes, I ended up playing the role of middleman between the buyer and seller. I was nervous, but excitement was steadily growing with each phone call.

Between one of my phone calls, I stopped and looked at Ryan on the couch.

"So, this might be happening," I said, wide-eyed. "My seller just gave me his lowest price--which is the same as my buyer's highest."

I jumped up and down.

So I have a piano. A beautiful black Kawaii six foot grand piano.

"Do you have room for it?" asked my friend and benefactor.

"Well, I guess I'll have a piano room!" I replied.

***

The story didn't end there. After figuring out the logistics of how to get it paid for and getting a deposit ready for the time being, I turned to Ryan.

"How much can we chip in to move it?" I asked.

"All of it, I think?"

"Really?" I said, confused.

"Hold on a second," he answered, then left the room.

When he came back, he handed me a jar.

I took it, almost laughing. "What's in this?" I said, shaking it, expecting to hear the rattle of pennies. It didn't rattle.

"Money," he said simply.

I squinted at the darkened glass, glimpsed a five dollar bill on top, and then all the emotions spilled out.

I can still hardly believe it.

All of this is happening on a very busy weekend, right after some recent financial challenges for us.  It's funny though--we have available the exact amount of money needed to put down a deposit tomorrow and have already figured out how to make the final purchase and reimbursement of money happen.  Also, it wasn't really ideal for the investor to buy the piano now either, but all of us somehow felt this was right for right now.  Which means that it is happening in God's timing.  He just brought it all together (dare I say, orchestrated it?) so beautifully.

All I can say is, God provides.