I don't know if it's the weather, a day without much work, or the love of my precious puppies, but something is making me very happy. Maybe I'm just happy to be feeling better? It's been a couple months since I've felt healthy.
Or maybe it's change. Life is definitely different with two dogs, in a very good way. It gets me outside one or two times a day and gets me to snuggle more. There's nothing quite like taking my Vizslas rollerblading as they sprint as fast as they can, tails wagging furiously, or when they beg to be in my lap. There's a lot of love in our house, for sure!
We have been enjoying the changes in our family and are excited as we anticipate even more change. Eating more organic foods and learning how to manage a healthier lifestyle is part of this too. Adding value to our house and continuing to dream up projects for the future has been a lot of fun and has kept us on our toes. I think I'm ready for more music and artistic expression in my life as I continue to learn how to handle my responsibilities better and keep up what we've begun.
It's a lot to digest. I think blogging more will help me process a lot of this change in a clearer way and sort through these shifts in priorities. Pray that I make blogging more of a regular occurance so I can keep up with myself! :-)
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
projects
It's been awhile, but blogging hasn't ceased to call to me. Feed me...
We have a lot going on lately. We've adopted some healthier eating and exercise patterns, including switching to a few organic items. Ryan's almost finished with building a fence for our backyard so we will be ready for our new dogs this weekend. And one of us has been sick pretty much since Thanksgiving, which makes all of this more challenging but not any less exciting.
I've mostly been in "project mode"...making sure the house stays relatively clean as I try to tackle some unfinished projects and get some new ones done as well...all the while, keeping up with my four clients at work and trying to get healthy again. It's a good thing I'm not teaching this semester. All of this is a lot to be juggling!
Because of this, some of my other artistic pleasures take a back seat. I have been working on a song recently, but I haven't been putting regular time into actually getting it finished. I haven't set aside time for painting as my other projects are taking up that time. It's not that they aren't artistic projects, but they are projects--which to me is completely different than sitting down and artistically exploring with paint. Projects are less expressive even if they are artistic. Almost like practicing a piece of sheet music vs. performing one. And the fact that I started them and haven't finished them looms over me.
The funny thing is, as I'm writing this, I'm thinking "why am I sitting at the computer typing about the stuff I should be doing when I could actually be doing it?"
Looks like this post is going to be a short one today. :-)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
are there no songbirds?
My last songwriter's night was a bit disappointing. One person came for the event, and one person came to debate Christianity.
We ended up not doing a lot of songwriting. Sigh.
The whole reason I wanted to do this event was because I longed for a place to be encouraged in my art by likeminded believers. Then pretty much the opposite happened.
The good news was that the one guy who showed up for the songwriting group is someone I've known of but haven't been friends with until now. I am so thankful for this connection we've made over music. (I know his mom as well, who also happens to be my neighbor.) I think we are going to help each other out with songwriting a lot. We might even end up collaborating, which I am much more thrilled about than just writing my own songs.
I almost don't want to do another songwriting night and just keep focused on my own writing. And that may end up happening eventually, but for now, I know I'm not supposed to give up just because I was challenged in a way I wasn't expecting. If there's really no interest after a few times, it'll probably just be me and Jimmy hanging out, writing music. And I am totally cool with that. It's all too easy to get distracted and come up with lots of excuses not to do things...but I'm ready to write again.
We ended up not doing a lot of songwriting. Sigh.
The whole reason I wanted to do this event was because I longed for a place to be encouraged in my art by likeminded believers. Then pretty much the opposite happened.
The good news was that the one guy who showed up for the songwriting group is someone I've known of but haven't been friends with until now. I am so thankful for this connection we've made over music. (I know his mom as well, who also happens to be my neighbor.) I think we are going to help each other out with songwriting a lot. We might even end up collaborating, which I am much more thrilled about than just writing my own songs.
I almost don't want to do another songwriting night and just keep focused on my own writing. And that may end up happening eventually, but for now, I know I'm not supposed to give up just because I was challenged in a way I wasn't expecting. If there's really no interest after a few times, it'll probably just be me and Jimmy hanging out, writing music. And I am totally cool with that. It's all too easy to get distracted and come up with lots of excuses not to do things...but I'm ready to write again.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
there and back again
What I didn't realize about worship school with Rita Springer was that it would be a lot less about worship leading and more about my heart.
The first day we arrived, Rita called us each into a room and told each of us why we were there and what the Lord had told her about us. She told me that she thought I was coming out of a "season of delay" and that Jesus was bringing me into a new season, like springtime. She also read Psalm 36 and said that perhaps part of the season I had been in had included the first four verses of evil men speaking lies over me. Then she read verses 5-12, declaring that those were the promises and truths that the Lord wanted me to absorb.
That night, I went to bed and asked Jesus, "What are the lies that have been spoken over me? What are the lies I have believed?" Then, of course, the follow-up question: "What do YOU say?" I was encouraged to really pursue what the Lord thinks of me and believe in His truths.
One of the lies that I became aware of the next day was the one that says, I DO NOT HAVE A VOICE. It's something that my mind would have denied if you had asked me, but my heart believed and clung to because of reoccuring things spoken over me over many years...that what I have to say isn't good enough or valuable, and even some qualities of who I am and my personality should be suppressed. I always felt like I had a lot to offer, but nobody wanted it the way it was. I just wasn't good enough.
Part of the effect of this lie has been some significant doubts about my singing voice as well as the quality of my musical artistry, among other things. I've always known I had musical talent, but I have always felt extremely critical of my vocal quality and songs I have written. I could sing my songs to my Savior, but I never felt they were worthy to be heard anywhere else. I felt like I was never able to find a place where I could be nutured and inspired to be all of the artist that I longed to be.
This became a reoccuring thing for me throughout the week at DIVE. In fact, it ended up being turned into a song that is still unfinished, but is a work in progress and, in a way, symbolizes all of my songwriting and artistry. It captures how I have felt rejected and believed in these lies of not being good enough, and how it is the truth of how Jesus sees me that allows me to be completely free in who I am. When the song is done I will post it.
God dug deep into my heart all week, uprooting lies and implanting truth deep into my spirit. I was so sensitive to the words of truth spoken by Rita and the other students and mentors, resulting in countless tears each day. But it was so good, so exhausting, so inspiring.
Honestly I was a little worried when I first got there. I was one of few proficient instrumentalists, the only head worship leader who also directed a band, and was from the smallest church. I might have had some of the more pessimistic views of the church and anything labeled "Christian"--just because of my disgust of what the American church has become and by commercialized Christianity.
But to my surprise, despite our differences, all of the women were there for the same reason I was--to be nurtured in getting real with the Lord and to be inspired to be the musicians and artists He has created us to be.
We had some technical training in instrumentation and vocals during the week, but most of the emphasis was surprisingly on songwriting. The guest speaker was Cindy Wilt Colville from Nashville, who professionally assists Christian songwriters, and of course, there was Rita. There were practical how-tos about the business and craft of songwriting, but more importantly, a lot of inspiration and motivations for us to consider for our art.
It was incredibly refreshing. I was in the company of a dozen or so artists and lovers of Jesus. We were encouraged to be creative, to enjoy all of the artistry in life that makes us feel alive.
However, I realized that I would soon have to go back to the artistically starved, non-Bible belt environment that is my community. I ended up sharing this to the group, saying that one of the main reasons why I had gone to this school was because I had no one to mentor and nurture me back at home in all of these different aspects of my artistry...what was I supposed to do when I got home?
The answer I got back was first, mentor someone else, and second, to realize that what I am inspired by is important. I was a bit convicted that there were probably more people here who feel the same way as I do...who feel artistically starved with no outlet to express themselves and be heard. I also have been failing to recognize that I am one of those weird artsy people who need to consciously surround themsleves with things that inspire them. That part of who I am needs to be one of those weird people, twirling in the rain, traveling to museums, listening to all kinds of uplifting music, walking through an antique store or a thrift store, staring at sunsets, playing a guitar in the middle of a field, etc...if only just to dream.
God also put on my heart to start a songwriter focus group at the local coffeeshop, where artists can come and be inspired or get feedback from other artists on their music. That's starting soon.
AND, the cool thing was, I was inspired in how to be a better worship leader too. We are starting a spontaneous worship/prayer night called Merge on every other Thursday night and will be doing some things at our church that will encourage people to express their worship in different ways. I am going to be devoting more time to exploring what I can do musically with my voice and on instruments, as well as exploring songwriting more and getting all of my music better organized and written in the best key.
I'd like to paint more...dig into what Jesus says about me more...put more things in my house that inspire me...gather more music around me...communicate with my God and hear Him more clearly...set aside more money for artistic pursuits...learn more instruments...read more...
I just wish there was more time in each day, and more days to explore this beautiful life.
I do recognize that ALL of this really isn't about me and what I want or need, but that it is ultimately about Jesus and how He wants me to bring Him glory and how He wants me to serve others in this process. He's going to have to teach me how to do one precious thing at a time--and everything at its right time.
I think my mom probably summarized my experience at DIVE the best when she said, with tears in her eyes,
"You've been awakened."
The first day we arrived, Rita called us each into a room and told each of us why we were there and what the Lord had told her about us. She told me that she thought I was coming out of a "season of delay" and that Jesus was bringing me into a new season, like springtime. She also read Psalm 36 and said that perhaps part of the season I had been in had included the first four verses of evil men speaking lies over me. Then she read verses 5-12, declaring that those were the promises and truths that the Lord wanted me to absorb.
That night, I went to bed and asked Jesus, "What are the lies that have been spoken over me? What are the lies I have believed?" Then, of course, the follow-up question: "What do YOU say?" I was encouraged to really pursue what the Lord thinks of me and believe in His truths.
One of the lies that I became aware of the next day was the one that says, I DO NOT HAVE A VOICE. It's something that my mind would have denied if you had asked me, but my heart believed and clung to because of reoccuring things spoken over me over many years...that what I have to say isn't good enough or valuable, and even some qualities of who I am and my personality should be suppressed. I always felt like I had a lot to offer, but nobody wanted it the way it was. I just wasn't good enough.
Part of the effect of this lie has been some significant doubts about my singing voice as well as the quality of my musical artistry, among other things. I've always known I had musical talent, but I have always felt extremely critical of my vocal quality and songs I have written. I could sing my songs to my Savior, but I never felt they were worthy to be heard anywhere else. I felt like I was never able to find a place where I could be nutured and inspired to be all of the artist that I longed to be.
This became a reoccuring thing for me throughout the week at DIVE. In fact, it ended up being turned into a song that is still unfinished, but is a work in progress and, in a way, symbolizes all of my songwriting and artistry. It captures how I have felt rejected and believed in these lies of not being good enough, and how it is the truth of how Jesus sees me that allows me to be completely free in who I am. When the song is done I will post it.
God dug deep into my heart all week, uprooting lies and implanting truth deep into my spirit. I was so sensitive to the words of truth spoken by Rita and the other students and mentors, resulting in countless tears each day. But it was so good, so exhausting, so inspiring.
Honestly I was a little worried when I first got there. I was one of few proficient instrumentalists, the only head worship leader who also directed a band, and was from the smallest church. I might have had some of the more pessimistic views of the church and anything labeled "Christian"--just because of my disgust of what the American church has become and by commercialized Christianity.
But to my surprise, despite our differences, all of the women were there for the same reason I was--to be nurtured in getting real with the Lord and to be inspired to be the musicians and artists He has created us to be.
We had some technical training in instrumentation and vocals during the week, but most of the emphasis was surprisingly on songwriting. The guest speaker was Cindy Wilt Colville from Nashville, who professionally assists Christian songwriters, and of course, there was Rita. There were practical how-tos about the business and craft of songwriting, but more importantly, a lot of inspiration and motivations for us to consider for our art.
It was incredibly refreshing. I was in the company of a dozen or so artists and lovers of Jesus. We were encouraged to be creative, to enjoy all of the artistry in life that makes us feel alive.
However, I realized that I would soon have to go back to the artistically starved, non-Bible belt environment that is my community. I ended up sharing this to the group, saying that one of the main reasons why I had gone to this school was because I had no one to mentor and nurture me back at home in all of these different aspects of my artistry...what was I supposed to do when I got home?
The answer I got back was first, mentor someone else, and second, to realize that what I am inspired by is important. I was a bit convicted that there were probably more people here who feel the same way as I do...who feel artistically starved with no outlet to express themselves and be heard. I also have been failing to recognize that I am one of those weird artsy people who need to consciously surround themsleves with things that inspire them. That part of who I am needs to be one of those weird people, twirling in the rain, traveling to museums, listening to all kinds of uplifting music, walking through an antique store or a thrift store, staring at sunsets, playing a guitar in the middle of a field, etc...if only just to dream.
God also put on my heart to start a songwriter focus group at the local coffeeshop, where artists can come and be inspired or get feedback from other artists on their music. That's starting soon.
AND, the cool thing was, I was inspired in how to be a better worship leader too. We are starting a spontaneous worship/prayer night called Merge on every other Thursday night and will be doing some things at our church that will encourage people to express their worship in different ways. I am going to be devoting more time to exploring what I can do musically with my voice and on instruments, as well as exploring songwriting more and getting all of my music better organized and written in the best key.
I'd like to paint more...dig into what Jesus says about me more...put more things in my house that inspire me...gather more music around me...communicate with my God and hear Him more clearly...set aside more money for artistic pursuits...learn more instruments...read more...
I just wish there was more time in each day, and more days to explore this beautiful life.
I do recognize that ALL of this really isn't about me and what I want or need, but that it is ultimately about Jesus and how He wants me to bring Him glory and how He wants me to serve others in this process. He's going to have to teach me how to do one precious thing at a time--and everything at its right time.
I think my mom probably summarized my experience at DIVE the best when she said, with tears in her eyes,
"You've been awakened."
Thursday, August 25, 2011
ready for anything and everything
He is jealous for me
loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
I love the wind. It's almost like I'm feeling the power of God in every gust, in every whirr as it whips over roofs and through trees. No wonder we compare the presence of the Holy Spirit to this. It is so invigorating, so moving. Yes, Lord, I bow before You.
It's amazing to me that these same winds I'm enjoying on my porch are from a brutal and monstrous storm only a few hundred miles away in the Atlantic.
The wind just started picking up even more. I'm watching sheets of rain suddenly thrown down from the troubled northeast skies. It lasts just a few moments. Now, back to the gusts and high-pitched whispers.
Looks like tonight the sky is heavy
Feels like the winds are gonna change
Beneath my feet, the earth is moving
I know it's time, for heaven's rain...it's gonna rain
And yes, I'm ready. God has been my provider through this whole process. He has reminded me again and again that He has a perfect plan and He knows what He is doing, even when a hurricane is offshore and headed towards where I am going. This is His beautiful plan. I am so ready. My heart is overflowing even now...I wonder what happens when an overflowing heart gets flooded? I'm ready to find out.
Cause it's living water we desire
Flood our hearts with holy fire
I have heard it from many people over the last few weeks...what God has for us--for me--is LIMITLESS. The act of worship really is simply surrendering to Him and being open to receiving anything and everything He has in store. "When we encounter the love of God...we'll never be the same."
Do not shut, do not shut, do not shut the heavens
But open up, open up, open up our hearts
Yes, I'm ready.
loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
I love the wind. It's almost like I'm feeling the power of God in every gust, in every whirr as it whips over roofs and through trees. No wonder we compare the presence of the Holy Spirit to this. It is so invigorating, so moving. Yes, Lord, I bow before You.
It's amazing to me that these same winds I'm enjoying on my porch are from a brutal and monstrous storm only a few hundred miles away in the Atlantic.
The wind just started picking up even more. I'm watching sheets of rain suddenly thrown down from the troubled northeast skies. It lasts just a few moments. Now, back to the gusts and high-pitched whispers.
Looks like tonight the sky is heavy
Feels like the winds are gonna change
Beneath my feet, the earth is moving
I know it's time, for heaven's rain...it's gonna rain
And yes, I'm ready. God has been my provider through this whole process. He has reminded me again and again that He has a perfect plan and He knows what He is doing, even when a hurricane is offshore and headed towards where I am going. This is His beautiful plan. I am so ready. My heart is overflowing even now...I wonder what happens when an overflowing heart gets flooded? I'm ready to find out.
Cause it's living water we desire
Flood our hearts with holy fire
I have heard it from many people over the last few weeks...what God has for us--for me--is LIMITLESS. The act of worship really is simply surrendering to Him and being open to receiving anything and everything He has in store. "When we encounter the love of God...we'll never be the same."
Do not shut, do not shut, do not shut the heavens
But open up, open up, open up our hearts
Yes, I'm ready.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
radical love
"And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need . . . . Now the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own, but they had everything in common. And with great power the apostles were giving their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all. There was not a needy person among them, for as many as were owners of lands or houses sold them and brought the proceeds of what was sold and laid it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to each as any had need." Acts 2:44-45, 4:32-35
God has been speaking to me so strongly about these passages over the past few weeks as I find myself a receiver, giver, and distributor of what I have been calling "the excess", or the resources around us that He has provided.
According to most financial standards, we are far from wealthy, like most of our friends. So, when I knew God was calling me to worship school, I suddenly had a need for a lot of money in order to go. Financially, we couldn't send me, my church couldn't sent me, but our community of believers could chip away at it until there was enough. I became a receiver, and what a blessing it has been to see God provide through the loving support of this huge family in Christ!
Then, God called me to become a giver. I began to be much more aware that even though cash is often limited, wealth isn't just the money in the bank. Wealth includes the resources around us, including our stuff, but also, and probably more valuable, our time and skills. We know in our minds that everything is the Lord's, but often in our hearts we don't feel that way or treat our possessions that way. "No one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own". All of these things we possess, including time and skills, are not our own...it is meant to be the Lord's. (And the truth is, it already IS His, we just aren't realizing it.)
So then I became a distributor, seemingly randomly, as God revealed various needs. Sometimes I would hear a need and not even think about trying to help, then God would just speak to my heart at some point later and say, "Go. Give."
I happened to be flipping channels the other day and stumbled on Joyce Meyer. Normally I'm not willing to sit and watch Christian television. I'm typically not up for mentally and spiritually sorting through what is being broadcasted in order to find something of value, but this caught my attention. She was talking about STUFF.
Basically, the message was that things, on their own, don't inherently carry value. They neither embody positive nor negative value. The value of things is defined by the value we ascribe to them--whether that's a particular monetary value, sentimental value, irreplacable value, etc. It's like real estate: the value of a house is simply what someone is willing to pay for it. If no one wants to buy it, what is it really worth?
When we use our things to further God's kingdom, we are ascribing eternal value to them because they now reflect Jesus. I believe this applies to all types of gifts as well: our time, things purchased, even to money itself. The value of any thing (even the US dollar) is going to fluctuate according to the standards of the world, but if I give it to someone else out of obedience to the Lord, the action itself is so much more valuable than the gift can ever be. The gift is just a symbol of the action and the heart of Jesus.
So when I look around at the things that are "mine", or things I don't need, or worse, things I'm not even using, I realize this is not how God wants us to live. Truly and genuinely sharing the love of Jesus is the opposite of the American dream. We Americans cling to what we have accumulated because we worked hard for it or because we think we've deserved it. And again, it's not that any of these things are bad and that we need to rid ourselves of all of them, but it's that God wants us to view them as resources ready to be used to accomplish His will on earth. We are to be detached from these things so that God can use us, and even use our things, to demonstrate His love.
It's hard for me to explain how this is different from what I understood and lived out before, but I am watching God change the way I live. He challenged me to act in faith for worship school, to trust Him with my financial needs, and now He's opening my eyes to a greater understanding of New Testament giving: being detached in order to truly hear His voice, obey exactly how He is calling me to obey, and to love His way. That doesn't mean giving 10%, what "is reasonable", or what makes sense, but instead, doing what HE WANTS. He is opening my eyes to see the wealth and the excess that is just waiting to be distributed to those who have needs and to those who are meant to receive physical representations of His love.
I think it's mainly about how we, the church, are to love. I also think there are lessons on true humility and surrender in this process. I'm seeing more and more how God's ways are so opposite the ways of the world we live in, and it is that radical love that will bring people to Jesus.
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." - John 13:34-35
God has been speaking to me so strongly about these passages over the past few weeks as I find myself a receiver, giver, and distributor of what I have been calling "the excess", or the resources around us that He has provided.
According to most financial standards, we are far from wealthy, like most of our friends. So, when I knew God was calling me to worship school, I suddenly had a need for a lot of money in order to go. Financially, we couldn't send me, my church couldn't sent me, but our community of believers could chip away at it until there was enough. I became a receiver, and what a blessing it has been to see God provide through the loving support of this huge family in Christ!
Then, God called me to become a giver. I began to be much more aware that even though cash is often limited, wealth isn't just the money in the bank. Wealth includes the resources around us, including our stuff, but also, and probably more valuable, our time and skills. We know in our minds that everything is the Lord's, but often in our hearts we don't feel that way or treat our possessions that way. "No one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own". All of these things we possess, including time and skills, are not our own...it is meant to be the Lord's. (And the truth is, it already IS His, we just aren't realizing it.)
So then I became a distributor, seemingly randomly, as God revealed various needs. Sometimes I would hear a need and not even think about trying to help, then God would just speak to my heart at some point later and say, "Go. Give."
I happened to be flipping channels the other day and stumbled on Joyce Meyer. Normally I'm not willing to sit and watch Christian television. I'm typically not up for mentally and spiritually sorting through what is being broadcasted in order to find something of value, but this caught my attention. She was talking about STUFF.
Basically, the message was that things, on their own, don't inherently carry value. They neither embody positive nor negative value. The value of things is defined by the value we ascribe to them--whether that's a particular monetary value, sentimental value, irreplacable value, etc. It's like real estate: the value of a house is simply what someone is willing to pay for it. If no one wants to buy it, what is it really worth?
When we use our things to further God's kingdom, we are ascribing eternal value to them because they now reflect Jesus. I believe this applies to all types of gifts as well: our time, things purchased, even to money itself. The value of any thing (even the US dollar) is going to fluctuate according to the standards of the world, but if I give it to someone else out of obedience to the Lord, the action itself is so much more valuable than the gift can ever be. The gift is just a symbol of the action and the heart of Jesus.
So when I look around at the things that are "mine", or things I don't need, or worse, things I'm not even using, I realize this is not how God wants us to live. Truly and genuinely sharing the love of Jesus is the opposite of the American dream. We Americans cling to what we have accumulated because we worked hard for it or because we think we've deserved it. And again, it's not that any of these things are bad and that we need to rid ourselves of all of them, but it's that God wants us to view them as resources ready to be used to accomplish His will on earth. We are to be detached from these things so that God can use us, and even use our things, to demonstrate His love.
It's hard for me to explain how this is different from what I understood and lived out before, but I am watching God change the way I live. He challenged me to act in faith for worship school, to trust Him with my financial needs, and now He's opening my eyes to a greater understanding of New Testament giving: being detached in order to truly hear His voice, obey exactly how He is calling me to obey, and to love His way. That doesn't mean giving 10%, what "is reasonable", or what makes sense, but instead, doing what HE WANTS. He is opening my eyes to see the wealth and the excess that is just waiting to be distributed to those who have needs and to those who are meant to receive physical representations of His love.
I think it's mainly about how we, the church, are to love. I also think there are lessons on true humility and surrender in this process. I'm seeing more and more how God's ways are so opposite the ways of the world we live in, and it is that radical love that will bring people to Jesus.
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." - John 13:34-35
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
preparations
The money is in! Praise Jesus!
Booking my flight this week...writing songs...practicing newer songs...preparing for my classes...
I'm so intensely excited about what God has for me...not just at the end of August, but right NOW.
Booking my flight this week...writing songs...practicing newer songs...preparing for my classes...
I'm so intensely excited about what God has for me...not just at the end of August, but right NOW.
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