Worship music has always been about my love for God and my passion to praise Him in a creative way. It was never about getting attention. Being thanked for sharing my talents and receiving compliments always felt awkward, and I was never comfortable with doing a solo or “performing”. But despite that, whether or not I sounded good (mostly based on my own opinion), still mattered a great deal. I compared myself to others and analyzed my talents, needing my own silent pat on the back to reassure myself I was a worthy musician. It was still about performance.
I have always believed in grace and known that God’s love is unconditional, but somehow along the way, I decided that at least some of my worth still depended on how good I was. I can see now that I was deceived into thinking God’s approval was somehow not enough. My opinion of myself and what other people thought about me still mattered deep down. The result was that, whenever I played, my attention would be divided between worshipping God and the quality of my performance. It also kept me from being free to share songs that the Holy Spirit had inspired me to write. I was worried that none of it was good enough.
What draws us in and causes us to appreciate music is usually its artistic quality. I don’t believe that’s fundamentally a bad thing. God created and saw that it was good, and we praise Him for His artistry and goodness. He created this world for His and our enjoyment. And when He created us, He endowed us with His creativity as well, in His own image. A part of our calling is to be Creators, to delight in creating good things, and by doing so, give honor to the One who created it all.
So after all God has done for us, don’t we long to give our very best offering to worship and honor Him? In all that we do, doesn’t He deserve our best?
But here’s the thing: I
don’t believe that doing our best for God is what He asks of us.
This doesn’t mean that quality is unimportant, but it does mean that when we are worried about what our acts of worship look or sound like, we are ultimately focused on pleasing ourselves or others, not God. We end up with a distorted view: that we have to somehow deem our gift worthy before we can offer it. But that’s not how His grace works.
The reality is that our God deserves so much more than the best we could ever offer. And yet, as His beloved adopted sons and daughters, He already sees us and our offerings as worthy simply because of the cross. Because of Jesus. He loves us just as we are, completely and unconditionally, no matter if we fall into temptation or just sing out of key. He doesn’t need us to perform well or do good works to demonstrate our love. All that matters to Him is if our heart is in the right place. We love Him by surrendering our lives--by giving up, not trying harder to do better. Then His Spirit can work from within us, bringing freedom, healing, producing good fruit…the whole nine yards. Look it up.
So what happened when I realized this?
I quit.
Perhaps not the most ideal or expected result, but this was my reality: I didn’t know what to do differently. If I jumped back into it, I would either continue to do church music the only way I knew how, or worse, I would try to fix it somehow. Either way, I’d be struggling. And I know God wanted me to be free.
I never doubted my calling to be a worship leader, but I had no idea what leading worship without thinking about performance would look like. It was a scary thought. I didn’t like the idea of letting things out of my control. I really didn’t like the idea of maybe playing crappy music or somehow screwing it up. It took a couple years of processing and recovery before I knew God was calling me back to leading worship. “If You want me to do this,” I remember telling Him, “YOU’VE got to do it, because I don’t know how.”
And no, He didn’t give me a list of things that would help or point me to a scripture that outlined all the details of leading worship “the right way”. I never received a vision or went to a worship conference outlining what I was supposed to do differently. I just had to say yes when the time was right and step into the unknown.
When I released control and opened my heart and my mind to what the Lord was going to do, guess what happened? Haha, the Holy Spirit stepped in.
This doesn’t mean that quality is unimportant, but it does mean that when we are worried about what our acts of worship look or sound like, we are ultimately focused on pleasing ourselves or others, not God. We end up with a distorted view: that we have to somehow deem our gift worthy before we can offer it. But that’s not how His grace works.
The reality is that our God deserves so much more than the best we could ever offer. And yet, as His beloved adopted sons and daughters, He already sees us and our offerings as worthy simply because of the cross. Because of Jesus. He loves us just as we are, completely and unconditionally, no matter if we fall into temptation or just sing out of key. He doesn’t need us to perform well or do good works to demonstrate our love. All that matters to Him is if our heart is in the right place. We love Him by surrendering our lives--by giving up, not trying harder to do better. Then His Spirit can work from within us, bringing freedom, healing, producing good fruit…the whole nine yards. Look it up.
So what happened when I realized this?
I quit.
Perhaps not the most ideal or expected result, but this was my reality: I didn’t know what to do differently. If I jumped back into it, I would either continue to do church music the only way I knew how, or worse, I would try to fix it somehow. Either way, I’d be struggling. And I know God wanted me to be free.
I never doubted my calling to be a worship leader, but I had no idea what leading worship without thinking about performance would look like. It was a scary thought. I didn’t like the idea of letting things out of my control. I really didn’t like the idea of maybe playing crappy music or somehow screwing it up. It took a couple years of processing and recovery before I knew God was calling me back to leading worship. “If You want me to do this,” I remember telling Him, “YOU’VE got to do it, because I don’t know how.”
And no, He didn’t give me a list of things that would help or point me to a scripture that outlined all the details of leading worship “the right way”. I never received a vision or went to a worship conference outlining what I was supposed to do differently. I just had to say yes when the time was right and step into the unknown.
When I released control and opened my heart and my mind to what the Lord was going to do, guess what happened? Haha, the Holy Spirit stepped in.
* * *
Believe it or not, I’m not the most talented human being on the planet and I screw up all the time, but it doesn’t matter because I’m immersed in His presence. He kindly teaches me and refines me as I mosey along. And I am so thankful to have a team of people who enjoy exploring together. We are on a great worship adventure, and musically, it’s just a small reflection of the bigger picture.
The coolest things can happen when God is in control. When I yield to Him, He frees me. He uses my talents and skills in ways that I’m not courageous enough to do on my own. The things He enables me to do I never thought would be possible. All insecurities, worries, and self-doubts evaporate when He sings through me. And let me tell you, His voice is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.
The worries I had about making crappy music? Turns out God loves crappy music. The truth is, any sincere act of worship is the most beautiful thing in the world to Him. We can judge it in the natural world using human standards all we want, but sorry guys, HE LOVES IT ALL. It just doesn’t matter what you think. And if God loves crappy music, well then, I guess none of it is crappy.
I love encouraging others to jump into the glorious presence of God. To engage with His love and be forever transformed…there is nothing else like being with Him. For me, music is my favorite pathway. I can’t wait to see what He is going to do next.
