What I didn't realize about worship school with Rita Springer was that it would be a lot less about worship leading and more about my heart.
The first day we arrived, Rita called us each into a room and told each of us why we were there and what the Lord had told her about us. She told me that she thought I was coming out of a "season of delay" and that Jesus was bringing me into a new season, like springtime. She also read Psalm 36 and said that perhaps part of the season I had been in had included the first four verses of evil men speaking lies over me. Then she read verses 5-12, declaring that those were the promises and truths that the Lord wanted me to absorb.
That night, I went to bed and asked Jesus, "What are the lies that have been spoken over me? What are the lies I have believed?" Then, of course, the follow-up question: "What do YOU say?" I was encouraged to really pursue what the Lord thinks of me and believe in His truths.
One of the lies that I became aware of the next day was the one that says, I DO NOT HAVE A VOICE. It's something that my mind would have denied if you had asked me, but my heart believed and clung to because of reoccuring things spoken over me over many years...that what I have to say isn't good enough or valuable, and even some qualities of who I am and my personality should be suppressed. I always felt like I had a lot to offer, but nobody wanted it the way it was. I just wasn't good enough.
Part of the effect of this lie has been some significant doubts about my singing voice as well as the quality of my musical artistry, among other things. I've always known I had musical talent, but I have always felt extremely critical of my vocal quality and songs I have written. I could sing my songs to my Savior, but I never felt they were worthy to be heard anywhere else. I felt like I was never able to find a place where I could be nutured and inspired to be all of the artist that I longed to be.
This became a reoccuring thing for me throughout the week at DIVE. In fact, it ended up being turned into a song that is still unfinished, but is a work in progress and, in a way, symbolizes all of my songwriting and artistry. It captures how I have felt rejected and believed in these lies of not being good enough, and how it is the truth of how Jesus sees me that allows me to be completely free in who I am. When the song is done I will post it.
God dug deep into my heart all week, uprooting lies and implanting truth deep into my spirit. I was so sensitive to the words of truth spoken by Rita and the other students and mentors, resulting in countless tears each day. But it was so good, so exhausting, so inspiring.
Honestly I was a little worried when I first got there. I was one of few proficient instrumentalists, the only head worship leader who also directed a band, and was from the smallest church. I might have had some of the more pessimistic views of the church and anything labeled "Christian"--just because of my disgust of what the American church has become and by commercialized Christianity.
But to my surprise, despite our differences, all of the women were there for the same reason I was--to be nurtured in getting real with the Lord and to be inspired to be the musicians and artists He has created us to be.
We had some technical training in instrumentation and vocals during the week, but most of the emphasis was surprisingly on songwriting. The guest speaker was Cindy Wilt Colville from Nashville, who professionally assists Christian songwriters, and of course, there was Rita. There were practical how-tos about the business and craft of songwriting, but more importantly, a lot of inspiration and motivations for us to consider for our art.
It was incredibly refreshing. I was in the company of a dozen or so artists and lovers of Jesus. We were encouraged to be creative, to enjoy all of the artistry in life that makes us feel alive.
However, I realized that I would soon have to go back to the artistically starved, non-Bible belt environment that is my community. I ended up sharing this to the group, saying that one of the main reasons why I had gone to this school was because I had no one to mentor and nurture me back at home in all of these different aspects of my artistry...what was I supposed to do when I got home?
The answer I got back was first, mentor someone else, and second, to realize that what I am inspired by is important. I was a bit convicted that there were probably more people here who feel the same way as I do...who feel artistically starved with no outlet to express themselves and be heard. I also have been failing to recognize that I am one of those weird artsy people who need to consciously surround themsleves with things that inspire them. That part of who I am needs to be one of those weird people, twirling in the rain, traveling to museums, listening to all kinds of uplifting music, walking through an antique store or a thrift store, staring at sunsets, playing a guitar in the middle of a field, etc...if only just to dream.
God also put on my heart to start a songwriter focus group at the local coffeeshop, where artists can come and be inspired or get feedback from other artists on their music. That's starting soon.
AND, the cool thing was, I was inspired in how to be a better worship leader too. We are starting a spontaneous worship/prayer night called Merge on every other Thursday night and will be doing some things at our church that will encourage people to express their worship in different ways. I am going to be devoting more time to exploring what I can do musically with my voice and on instruments, as well as exploring songwriting more and getting all of my music better organized and written in the best key.
I'd like to paint more...dig into what Jesus says about me more...put more things in my house that inspire me...gather more music around me...communicate with my God and hear Him more clearly...set aside more money for artistic pursuits...learn more instruments...read more...
I just wish there was more time in each day, and more days to explore this beautiful life.
I do recognize that ALL of this really isn't about me and what I want or need, but that it is ultimately about Jesus and how He wants me to bring Him glory and how He wants me to serve others in this process. He's going to have to teach me how to do one precious thing at a time--and everything at its right time.
I think my mom probably summarized my experience at DIVE the best when she said, with tears in her eyes,
"You've been awakened."
