processing

Glioblastoma does to the body what other cancers do but with alzheimer's symptoms mixed in.

I'm hoping my mom will be able to find some sort of affordable 24/7 assistance in the near future to give her a break.  She is so physically worn out from being the constant caretaker of a disoriented and immobile man.  She is at peace, but so very, very tired.

My life has kicked into crazy gear.  Today was a 13.5 hour day away from home with no time to rest.  I am still having to to juggle my two jobs, take care of my own home, and meanwhile, tending to my parents' (and grandmother's) needs.  I have been over at their house for several hours every day except one in the last week.  I know even just me being there has a tremendous impact--my mother's weary face brightens up everytime she sees me.  My dad is simply happy just being around those he loves.  My grandma has someone that she can talk to freely about simple joys or worries in her day.  I am happy to be there, but it is draining.  I can't even imagine what my mom feels like right now.

We also had to finish preparing the house on Ormond this week to be put on the market by Friday.  I can't tell you how thankful I am for my sister in law and my brother--they had the energy and the vision to tackle a nearly impossible goal, and it is happening!  Ormond is so close to being out from under our feet.  That alone has been a nearly two year battle, and I know it's a comfort to both my mom and dad to have it be nearly out from under them as well.  The effect of having the pressure of a seemingly impossible deadline, however, exponentially added to my stress level this week.  It just seemed like the worst possible time to make this happen.  But here we go!

* * *

I had a friend, so sweet and well-meaning, approach me today with advice about a doctor in New York who is practicing more alternative methods for cancer treatment.  She pulled me aside and began explaining why she would recommend checking into his research and seeking care there.  I listened until she was finished, calmly thanked her for sharing the information, and then explained our situation.

I was struck with how awkward it is to see people want to help in some way but not be able to help in the way that is needed.  Instead of asking me what our situation was or asking if we needed anything, she jumped into an assumption that her information would be helpful.

I'm sure this must happen all the time.  I know most people don't know how to respond, or maybe they just simply feel uncomfortable.  They want to do something helpful or even maybe feel that they need to do something...and that's not necessarily wrong as long as their need to help doesn't trump the actual needs of the people in trouble.  In that case, it puts those of us in these awful situations in an unusual spot.  If someone is offering help that isn't helpful--maybe harmful--then how do we react?  What if you want to just "pop in to say hello" and we really just can't handle it?  Are we allowed to deny you the right to visit us?

If I may, a word of advice.  The best help is availability...communicate your availability and mean it.  Don't assume anything.  Trust us that we will ask for your help if you tell us exactly what you are prepared to do.  The best and most comforting offers of help go like this:

"Is there anything I can do to help?  I am available during (days/times) to do (errands/household tasks/bring food/visit/etc).  Don't hesitate to ask, really."

Even reading this makes me tear up as I think of all the people who have said these very words to me.  Marie, Pam, Jeannie, Ryan, Katie, Annette, Terri, and so many others.  And still more that haven't said it in so many words, but where it is implicitly understood that they would do anything for us. We have had so much help from so many...and it has been so genuine and so selfless and serving.

Forgive me for my rantings above.  I'm not complaining, just thinking aloud.  I am so incredibly thankful for those around us who love us so much.

* * *

Writing is good for me.  Between that and conversing, it is how I process.

I am doing well.  Tired, stressed, but unusually well.  I am verbalizing my needs and pushing through when I just need to keep going.  I may end up crying in the arms of my husband most nights or in front of my new clients or boss occasionally, but it's the way it needs to be.  I am okay with this.  There is no doubt of the divine purpose and the endless, deep love of Jesus.  I soak it up.  I take long hot showers where I am so aware of Him holding me still, holding me near.  He is so good and faithful; there is no doubt.

So...off to the shower where, even at the end of a long day, I am renewed.