radical love

"And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need . . . . Now the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own, but they had everything in common. And with great power the apostles were giving their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all. There was not a needy person among them, for as many as were owners of lands or houses sold them and brought the proceeds of what was sold and laid it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to each as any had need." Acts 2:44-45, 4:32-35

God has been speaking to me so strongly about these passages over the past few weeks as I find myself a receiver, giver, and distributor of what I have been calling "the excess", or the resources around us that He has provided.

According to most financial standards, we are far from wealthy, like most of our friends.  So, when I knew God was calling me to worship school, I suddenly had a need for a lot of money in order to go.  Financially, we couldn't send me, my church couldn't sent me, but our community of believers could chip away at it until there was enough.  I became a receiver, and what a blessing it has been to see God provide through the loving support of this huge family in Christ!

Then, God called me to become a giver.  I began to be much more aware that even though cash is often limited, wealth isn't just the money in the bank.  Wealth includes the resources around us, including our stuff, but also, and probably more valuable, our time and skills.  We know in our minds that everything is the Lord's, but often in our hearts we don't feel that way or treat our possessions that way.  "No one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own".  All of these things we possess, including time and skills, are not our own...it is meant to be the Lord's. (And the truth is, it already IS His, we just aren't realizing it.)

So then I became a distributor, seemingly randomly, as God revealed various needs.  Sometimes I would hear a need and not even think about trying to help, then God would just speak to my heart at some point later and say, "Go. Give."

I happened to be flipping channels the other day and stumbled on Joyce Meyer.  Normally I'm not willing to sit and watch Christian television.  I'm typically not up for mentally and spiritually sorting through what is being broadcasted in order to find something of value, but this caught my attention.  She was talking about STUFF.

Basically, the message was that things, on their own, don't inherently carry value.  They neither embody positive nor negative value.  The value of things is defined by the value we ascribe to them--whether that's a particular monetary value, sentimental value, irreplacable value, etc.  It's like real estate: the value of a house is simply what someone is willing to pay for it.  If no one wants to buy it, what is it really worth?

When we use our things to further God's kingdom, we are ascribing eternal value to them because they now reflect Jesus.  I believe this applies to all types of gifts as well: our time, things purchased, even to money itself.  The value of any thing (even the US dollar) is going to fluctuate according to the standards of the world, but if I give it to someone else out of obedience to the Lord, the action itself is so much more valuable than the gift can ever be.  The gift is just a symbol of the action and the heart of Jesus.

So when I look around at the things that are "mine", or things I don't need, or worse, things I'm not even using, I realize this is not how God wants us to live.  Truly and genuinely sharing the love of Jesus is the opposite of the American dream.  We Americans cling to what we have accumulated because we worked hard for it or because we think we've deserved it.  And again, it's not that any of these things are bad and that we need to rid ourselves of all of them, but it's that God wants us to view them as resources ready to be used to accomplish His will on earth.  We are to be detached from these things so that God can use us, and even use our things, to demonstrate His love.

It's hard for me to explain how this is different from what I understood and lived out before, but I am watching God change the way I live.  He challenged me to act in faith for worship school, to trust Him with my financial needs, and now He's opening my eyes to a greater understanding of New Testament giving: being detached in order to truly hear His voice, obey exactly how He is calling me to obey, and to love His way.  That doesn't mean giving 10%, what "is reasonable", or what makes sense, but instead, doing what HE WANTS.  He is opening my eyes to see the wealth and the excess that is just waiting to be distributed to those who have needs and to those who are meant to receive physical representations of His love.

I think it's mainly about how we, the church, are to love.  I also think there are lessons on true humility and surrender in this process.  I'm seeing more and more how God's ways are so opposite the ways of the world we live in, and it is that radical love that will bring people to Jesus.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." - John 13:34-35

preparations

The money is in!  Praise Jesus!

Booking my flight this week...writing songs...practicing newer songs...preparing for my classes...

I'm so intensely excited about what God has for me...not just at the end of August, but right NOW.

promises

I am so blessed by the contributions I have received towards my trip.  God is strengthening my faith in what I know He has promised me.  I know He is sending me to DIVE school even though I wasn't sure how it would happen.

Last night, I still needed $940 to be able to afford to go.

I sent DIVE school an email updating them on how much money I still needed, but confirmed that God was going to make it happen and that I was ready to book my flight and pay the tuition on my credit card regardless.  This was a big step in faith for me...I have always been anxious about money, wary of debt, and have let myself doubt God's provision and promises when things seem financially impossible.

Then, the Lord sent me $500 total in the mail this morning.  What an absolute confirmation for my doubting heart!  I can almost see him smiling at me..."Do you need me to remind you I've got this one?"  YES!  Apparently, I do. :-)  Thank you, Jesus!

Last night I was working at our church clearing out a neglected storage closet and doing some much needed decluttering.  In the process, I discovered some additional valuable equipment...some of it was even brand new, unopened in its original box.

I think this is a good analogy for what I believe DIVE school is going to be for me.  I think God has given me an abundance of resources and gifts He wants me to use, but a lot of them have been buried in a closet, or maybe haven't ever been opened yet.  That is why I like Rita Springer's vision statement so much--it is God's revelations to our hearts that change our lives, and "if we live changed, our creative expression is limitless."

I also received what I believe to be a prophetic dream over my trip.  I dreamed it the same morning I found out I was invited to DIVE school.

In the dream, my hands were bound by strips of cloth that were unwrapped to reveal healing wounds.  I was aware that I had received some sort of procedure and that my hands were in the process of recovery.  I was asked "what do you see?", and as I looked down at my hands, I noticed one of the wounds was not healing correctly.  "This one needs to be redone," I said.

I remember seeing a surgical knife inserted into my unhealthy hand.  It wasn't even painful; it was just the process that needed to be done.  Afterwards, my hands were rebound and I held them up triumphantly, declaring victoriously, "In the name of Jesus!"

I believe there are things to be revealed and spiritual surgery waiting for me at DIVE school.  I know God has something amazing planned and that this is one step in my part in it.  I believe Jesus is going to move within His church in BIG ways and I want to be ready for the limitlessness of Him.  I want to be in the middle of it when God unleashes His glory upon earth!

rita

I can hardly believe I am going to Rita Springer's worship school.  It is hard to explain exactly how I felt when I first read about it online, but I basically heard God say "GO".  As weeks went by, I kept getting confirmations that I was supposed to apply...and so I did, acting in faith that if I was accepted, the money would come in.

I feel honored to be one of the chosen women invited to attend in September, even though I was briefly panicked when I initially found out.  (What about work, my classes, the money?)  Already it is causing me to trust that yes, God wants me to go, and that yes, I will be going.  Instead of worrying how it will all work out, God keeps reassurring me that I need to let Him take care of it and that I should simply be responsible and obey.  I can be excited that He has something incredible in store for me in this.

The other thing I feel inside me is a struggle with pride.  This is, of course, nothing new, but I find it aggravating that it is distracting me from my purpose.  My mind starts dreaming about what doors might open up for me because of this opportunity--which would almost be okay if these thoughts were not self-serving.  I am aware of how easy it is to imagine how I was personally chosen by RITA SPRINGER and that we are probably going to be best buddies now...that everyone is going to think I'm amazing and she's going to hook me up with a record label and our church will become famous.

But I really don't want any of that, nor do I believe any of it...nor does it matter!  My whole desire for going to this worship school is to dig deeper into worship and into Jesus.  I have a lot of questions about my journey into greater freedom and feel that Rita is one of few people able to offer me the exactly what I need.

I have always liked Rita Springer, and the more I know about her, the more I like her.  But I also don't want to idolize her even though my respect and admiration for her is so great.  I am very hopeful that I will encounter a gifted woman who can challenge me in my spiritual maturity, but I shouldn't be distracted from what Jesus is leading me to discover about myself and Him.  Rita is simply a woman who strives to listen and obey the Lord, and her vision is to encourage others to do the same.  I don't want to feel either inferior or elevated because of her guidance in this process.

And still the realities of life must also continue on--I still have a job, classes to prepare for, a house to tend to, family and friends to enjoy, artistic creativity to be unleashed, a husband and my own self to care for, and now a trip to prepare for!

I actually have half of the money I need already, and more is still coming in.  I can't say I'm surprised, but I am always amazed to see how God works and am so blessed to experience it.  Oooh, what next God?

abundant life

I am bursting with artistry.

After spending a weekend in Georgia several weeks ago, I discovered something new about myself.  I love to paint.

For as long as I can remember, I have always loved art and envied those who could produce it.  One of my favorite classes in college was the art appreciation course I was required to take.   I’ve always known that there is art in me but never knew the extent of my skills or what mediums I might be good at.  I’ve always messed around with a variety of artistic projects (t-shirts, photography, sewing, sketching, interior design, music, writing) but never finished anything that would be considered an actual piece of art.  I always assumed I would need to take a considerable number of classes in order to produce anything that could be officially labeled “art”.

But, as it turns out, without having had any art classes, I can paint.  And I really enjoy it!

So far, I’ve really only produced two paintings I’m proud of (one in pastel and another in acrylic), but I am aching for more.

I also have a growing list of projects for our house that requires some measure of painting skills in order to complete.  I am planning on painting some scripture on the wall of one of our rooms, at least one large piece of art, lampshades, and even some curtains.  (Yes, I want to paint curtains.  How awesome is that?)  I am a little obsessed over home décor, recovering chairs and cushions, and bringing more life into our home with thrift store finds and do-it-yourself projects.  Ryan’s even jumped on the creative bandwagon and wants to build picture frames for me and a custom-made couch.

The artistic explosion doesn’t end there.

I am now the worship leader at our church, and I couldn’t be more thrilled with the freedom of worship we are experiencing.  I’ve been involved with church music nearly my whole life, but it’s never been quite like this.  I am in awe of God’s perfect timing, His faithfulness, and His stunning glory.  We are so alive in Him!

The hardest part in all of this is being content with where I am.  There are only 24 hours in each day, only so much money in our bank account, and I only have a limited set of skills.  But it is so amazing to see that despite the limitations and weaknesses, God is so pleased by our expressions of worship and our joy of life in Him.  As flawed as imperfect as it is, this life is indeed abundant.

it's here: the piano

About six months ago, I had a conversation with a dear family friend about something that God had put on his heart. Over the phone, he told me that he wanted to find and invest in a baby grand piano with a small price tag. He wanted me to help him look since I could give a good opinion on the sound quality and judge the playability and feel. But that wasn't the only reason he wanted my help. He also didn't want to keep it for himself. He said he wanted ME to keep it.

What?!

He explained further that, being a music lover, he wanted to support the arts, and the best way he could think of was to buy a piano and let me, a pianist without a piano, take care of it. The only catch was that I would have to play for him when he came to visit and to be sure to play it often for others.

Really?!

So, needless to say, I have been looking off and on for the last few months, and came to the conclusion that a quality baby grand in his price range was impossible. I found a few nice upright pianos that were in that range, but the baby grand pianos were always in poor condition, structurally and internally. They just sounded terrible.

So every time I would make my search, I would report back to him my findings, convinced that the quality piano he was looking for would have to be an upright.

But God had something else to say about it. Oh, me of little faith.

***

I have been looking around Craigslist a lot lately for lots of little additions to our new home. This morning I was perusing furniture and household items as usual when I felt the urge to search for "piano". Even after all these months, I don't think I have actually looked on Craigslist for a piano.

One of the ads today caught my eye. There actually was an interesting posting for a Kawaii baby grand. Kawaii pianos are what I almost exclusively played in college, and it had a reasonable asking price, so I passed the info along.

My dear friend told me to go look at it and that "we might be able to make an offer and get it...I like it also". I called and made an appointment to see it. Turns out it was taking up too much space at a mobile home clubhouse, and they wanted it gone.

All of this was going by so fast, I wasn't even realizing what was happening.

Truthfully, I wasn't expecting much when I went to see it--even baby grands listed for many thousands of dollars tended to need a lot of work in order to even be a decent piano. They seemed more like large decorations rather than musical instruments.

I was surprised. It played quite nicely and the tone was beautiful. It had some aesthetic quirks but nothing that would hurt the sound quality or playability. Even Ryan, who claims to "be as musical as a rock" was impressed, noticing an obvious difference between the sound of this piano and others we had looked at in this price range.

I was even more surprised when I measured it. It was almost six feet long.

"Isn't that a little large for a baby grand?" Ryan and I both asked each other in the car.

When we got back home, I surveyed our music room with the tape measure.

"It would work, actually," I said, surprised again.

My buyer told me to go ahead and make a low offer. I could hardly believe all of this was happening so fast. Over the next several minutes, I ended up playing the role of middleman between the buyer and seller. I was nervous, but excitement was steadily growing with each phone call.

Between one of my phone calls, I stopped and looked at Ryan on the couch.

"So, this might be happening," I said, wide-eyed. "My seller just gave me his lowest price--which is the same as my buyer's highest."

I jumped up and down.

So I have a piano. A beautiful black Kawaii six foot grand piano.

"Do you have room for it?" asked my friend and benefactor.

"Well, I guess I'll have a piano room!" I replied.

***

The story didn't end there. After figuring out the logistics of how to get it paid for and getting a deposit ready for the time being, I turned to Ryan.

"How much can we chip in to move it?" I asked.

"All of it, I think?"

"Really?" I said, confused.

"Hold on a second," he answered, then left the room.

When he came back, he handed me a jar.

I took it, almost laughing. "What's in this?" I said, shaking it, expecting to hear the rattle of pennies. It didn't rattle.

"Money," he said simply.

I squinted at the darkened glass, glimpsed a five dollar bill on top, and then all the emotions spilled out.

I can still hardly believe it.

All of this is happening on a very busy weekend, right after some recent financial challenges for us.  It's funny though--we have available the exact amount of money needed to put down a deposit tomorrow and have already figured out how to make the final purchase and reimbursement of money happen.  Also, it wasn't really ideal for the investor to buy the piano now either, but all of us somehow felt this was right for right now.  Which means that it is happening in God's timing.  He just brought it all together (dare I say, orchestrated it?) so beautifully.

All I can say is, God provides.

stress

It is all too easy to get stressed out and forget to take care of myself.  I sometimes seem to be last on my priority list, especially when there is a lot of change going on or a lot of unexpected events.

My family is good at reminding me that stressful situations or problems are only temporary.  A conversation between my mom and I this week reminded me of the very important word, perspective.  Perspective can change the way I react to a situation in an instant.  Ryan says that stress is simply a reaction to change, and how I react (or how stressed I get) is up to me.

This past week, I got stressed over money.  We had a large unforeseen expense come up and a significant theft happen around the same time.  Initially, I didn't react very well.

Stress doesn't have to be all bad.  Change and unexpected circumstances are a natural part of life, where lessons are learned, and are often a catalyst for breaking the monotony of daily routines.  However, when I let stress take over and mutate into a big ball of worry, I lose sight of the big picture.  I will start adding stresses to my growing ball of chaos so that life now seems to be falling apart.  I then become the mass of chaos, and it isn't pretty.  Poor hubby.

The other way to handle it is to take it in stride and learn something.  Life has stress, it's true.  But it IS temporary.  Earthly treasures will be destroyed or stolen.  And, "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matt 6:21)  This is where the perspective comes in.  Do I want to invest my heart in things that will turn to dust or things that are eternal?

My dad used to say, "money is only money".  I know that God takes care of us when we live in obedience and wisdom, as well as in grace.  We have been so blessed with a beautiful home, wonderful friends and family, and so many earthly things that make our lives enjoyable and comfortable.  I'd certainly rather enjoy these gifts then let other things ruin it.

So yesterday, besides going to work, I got a massage, sat outside Starbucks and wrote, and went to Zumba class.  When stressful things happen, I need to remember perspective and still prioritize what I enjoy and do things I want.  It doesn't mean that I get to ignore the problems, but I know that I still need to care for myself in the process of tackling stressful situations.  Perhaps even more so.  Why not have some fun!